The Ten Commandments Rebooted

Apparently, Texas, Louisiana, and Arkansas looked at their public schools and thought, “You know what’s missing? More stone tablets.” Forget math scores, kids—what you really need is Hebrew law on the classroom wall, because nothing says “freedom” like government-mandated religion.

Virgin Monk Boy, ever the peacemaker (and troublemaker), is offering a middle ground: a Ten Commandments Reboot. Because if we’re going to shove divine decrees into schools, at least let’s update them so they speak to the real sins of our time.

Especially since Project 2025 is already doing its best Pharaoh cosplay—limiting free speech, axing journalists, and canceling comedians faster than you can say “Moses, but make it MAGA.” Jimmy Kimmel, Colbert, Fallon, even John Oliver—the comedy Mount Rushmore of free speech—all put on the chopping block. They want the Ten Commandments in schools while simultaneously striking the First Amendment from memory. That’s not religion—it’s divine cosplay with a fascist aftertaste.

So if we’re rebooting commandments, let’s aim higher than “don’t murder” (though still a solid tip). Let’s tackle Wi-Fi outages, passive-aggressive group texts, mansplaining, and the holy right to mock politicians without losing your job.

Moses has descended the mountain again, but this time he’s rocking Birkenstocks and carrying Stone Tablets 2.0—preloaded with software updates, emojis, and a Terms of Service nobody read but everyone clicked Agree.

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The Ten Commandments (Rebooted for 2025)

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.
   Especially not golden idols named Project 2025. Pharaoh 2.0 is not the Messiah, no matter how many campaign rallies say otherwise.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
   Looking at you, Turning Point USA, carving Jesus into a MAGA hat and calling it civics education.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
   Translation: stop stapling God’s name to your book bans, comedy cancellations, and “Christian nationalism.” Heaven doesn’t endorse your culture war merch.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
   And by holy, we mean brunch. And by brunch, we mean bottomless mimosas.

5. Honor thy father and thy mother.
   Unless they’re on Facebook sharing QAnon memes. Then just honor the block button.

6. Thou shalt not kill.
   Also, maybe don’t kill democracy while you’re at it.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
   But apparently it’s fine to cheat the Constitution as long as you call it “religious liberty.”

8. Thou shalt not steal.
   Not elections, not reproductive rights, and not late-night TV hosts’ microphones.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness.
   Especially not on Fox News, where lying has been elevated to a sacrament.

10. Thou shalt not covet.
    Not thy neighbor’s house, nor thy neighbor’s freedoms, nor thy neighbor’s right to laugh at Jimmy Kimmel without FCC subpoenas.

Now, Virgin Monk Boy is only one robed fool with aviator shades, and even my stone tablets have limited storage space. What blasphemies, hypocrisies, or modern sins did I miss? Drop your suggestions for the next commandments in the comments—because clearly the Almighty outsourced updates to the crowdsource.

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