The Gospel According to Saint Sarah of the Proutchard Order

How I Got Spiritually Canceled by a Woman Selling Cosmic PDF Bundles

Thou shalt manifest thy dreams,
But only if thou payeth $333 and never questions the oracle.

So there I was, innocently surfing the top spiritual websites, just trying to find inner peace and maybe a coupon code for enlightenment, when I discovered something hilarious: Sarah Prout had blocked me.

Yes—blocked.
As if my mere presence on the internet was throwing off her abundance grid.
As if the Universe whispered to her, "He’s not aligned with your funnel strategy, Sarah."

I hadn’t even DM’d her. I wasn’t trolling. But I had, admittedly, committed a cardinal sin: I wrote satire.
And not just any satire—the kind that pokes at rainbow diets, chakra cleanses, and the $11K-aura-polishing industry she's spiritually adjacent to.

It’s entirely possible she stumbled upon one of these unholy scrolls:

🔹 Rainbow Diets and Chakra Cleanses: A Love Letter to Kale and Confusion
🔹 Spiritual Trauma Certification Weekend (Now with Bonus Karma Points!)

Apparently, the chakras weren’t ready.

You see, Sarah isn’t just a manifestation coach—she’s a curator of reality, trimming the timelines of anyone whose energy might clash with the high-frequency capitalism she calls spirituality.

Her brand whispers:

"You can have anything you want... if you align, affirm, and Apple Pay."

And if you dare to notice that the “Ultimate Manifestation Bundle” is just a glorified Dropbox folder with a $2,466 sticker (currently “discounted” to who-knows-what), you might just find yourself spiritually ghosted.

This is not enlightenment. This is boutique mysticism run through a marketing automation sequence.
This is Law of Attraction rebranded as Law of Distraction.

Sarah says she helps people “create with intention and energy.”
But what she’s really mastered is how to package vague platitudes into premium-priced PDFs and call it divine.

She once tweeted, “The Universe responds to your energy, not your words.”
But apparently, it also responds to who you block.

So if you’re reading this, Sarah (or Sarah’s assistant, or Sarah’s algorithmically trained energy-elf), thank you. Truly.

Thank you for the gift of rejection.
Thank you for reminding me that the path to truth often begins with being blocked by those who sell it.
And thank you for proving that sometimes the most powerful manifestation is a laugh.

I’ll be over here, co-creating reality with zero-dollar downloads and full-spectrum discernment.

Blessed be the ones who see through the smoke of burning sage and still keep their sense of humor.

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If this stirred your soul, unplugged your autopilot, or whispered “You came for more than this” into your scroll-weary heart—share it with your fellow seekers, tip your mystical barista, or subscribe for more fire-lit dispatches from the edge of becoming.