🧠 Spiritual Trauma Certification Weekend (Now With Bonus Karma Points!)

Get certified in shadow work before you’ve done your own.

🚨 SATIRE ALERT 🚨
This is a parody. If you’re already halfway through launching your “Embodied Inner Oracle Coaching™” biz, take a breath, unclench your jaw, and let your ego know it’s about to be lovingly roasted.

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Have you been spiritually bypassing with style but still lack that fancy-looking certificate to prove it? Are you ready to hold space so hard that people cry just from hearing your voice say “I see you”? Then welcome, chosen one, to the Spiritual Trauma Certification Weekend™ — where healing is fast-tracked, laminated, and slightly cult-adjacent (but in a fun way).

For just $2,997 (or six monthly payments of whatever you can manifest), you too can become a certified trauma alchemist, transmuting your unresolved childhood into premium coaching content. No prerequisites, no deep work, no lineage training — just you, your internet connection, and an Instagram page with the word “embodied” in the bio.

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What You’ll Learn:

🌀 Module 1: “Fake It Til You Heal It”
We’ll teach you how to confidently nod through client trauma while silently Googling “polyvagal theory.” Includes a crash course in misquoting Gabor Maté to justify avoiding accountability.

🧘 Module 2: Meditations for the Modern Mystic™

• Inner Womb Regression via Zoom
  Travel back to your fetal state guided by a playlist of singing bowls and vague encouragement. No midwives, no problem.

• Ancestral Healing While Muted
  Clear seven generations of pain without interrupting your roommate’s Netflix marathon. Includes a PDF of pre-written apologies to your lineage in case you don’t actually feel remorse.

• Inner Child Monetization 101
  Make peace with your inner child, then turn them into your brand mascot. Bonus template: “Dear 6-Year-Old Me” captions that convert!

🧘‍♀️ Module 3: Nervous System Regulation for Content Creators
Regulate your vagus nerve just enough to post vulnerable reels without crying mid-upload. Includes bonus workshop: “Breathwork for When the Algorithm Ignores You.”

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What You’ll Receive:

✨ Official Trauma Coaching Certificate

Printed on 108% recycled moon paper and blessed by a Reiki level 1.5 practitioner. Totally legitimate (in a spiritual sense).

📜 Laminated Soul Contract

Signed by your Higher Self and embossed with sacred glitter. Keep it on your altar, or whip it out when questioned by therapists.

☯️ 3 Bonus Karma Points™

Fully transferable into your next lifetime or toward discounts on future certifications (like our upcoming Somatic Astrology for Pets course).

👜 “My Triggers Pay My Bills” Tote Bag

Perfect for carrying crystals, boundary issues, or the weight of being chronically online.

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Community Access:

Get lifetime entrance to our exclusive Discord server, where:

• Everyone types in all lowercase for trauma-sensitive vibes

• Boundaries are discussed, but never enforced

• Weekly “Who’s Crying Hardest?” contests are moderated by a certified space-holder in Costa Rica

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Testimonials:

“Before this weekend, I was just crying in my car. Now I cry on Instagram Live and charge $250/hr.” – @sacred.samantha

“I accidentally gaslit a client, but thanks to the training, I reframed it as ‘quantum mirror work.’” – Chad, level 2 trauma mystic

“Finally, a program that validates my emotional instability and helps me profit from it!” – Inner Teen Karen (and her cat)

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So what are you waiting for?

Your shadow is screaming for attention, and your Venmo is whispering: “You deserve to charge more.”

Sign up now, and remember:
You don’t have to be healed — just branded.

Virgin Monk Boy Sees You.™
Now go hold space for your bank account.

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If this stirred your soul, unplugged your autopilot, or whispered “You came for more than this” into your scroll-weary heart—share it with your fellow seekers, tip your mystical barista, or subscribe for more fire-lit dispatches from the edge of becoming.

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