Rainbow Diets and Chakra Cleanses: The Wellness Industrial Complex Wants Your Soul (and Credit Card)

Because your enlightenment journey isn’t complete until you’ve eaten purple cauliflower under a full moon

⚠️ Satire Alert: No Himalayan goats were harmed in the making of this post, but several were spiritually consulted.

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Modern wellness culture has achieved the impossible: it has fused quantum mechanics with kale.

What once began as a sincere desire to feel less like a walking cortisol ad has now metastasized into a full-blown industrial complex with the aesthetic of a Whole Foods altar and the pricing of a small liberal arts college.

As a celibate monk who once accidentally biohacked his pineal gland by eating expired tofu, I feel qualified—nay, spiritually compelled—to address this.

Dear seeker, it’s time we talked about Rainbow Diets and Chakra Cleanses.

Or as I like to call it:
“Late-stage capitalism dressed in hemp pants.”

The Rainbow Diet: Because Color Heals Everything (Except Your Budget)

Inspired by the ancient wisdom of... Pinterest boards, the Rainbow Diet encourages you to align your chakras by eating foods that match their colors.

Red beets for your root chakra.
Orange turmeric lattes for your sacral.
Yellow squash for your solar plexus.
Green juice for your heart (and to remove it from your body).
Blue algae for your throat.
Indigo berries for your third eye.
And a violet smoothie that tastes like regret.

Sounds fun, right? Until you realize your grocery list now reads like a Lisa Frank fever dream and costs more than your monthly rent.

I once tried the full spectrum cleanse. By day three, I was constipated, hallucinating, and vaguely bioluminescent.

Chakra Cleansing: Now With Activated Charcoal and Judgment

In ancient times, cleansing your chakras involved meditation, devotion, and sometimes a qualified spiritual teacher. In modern times, it involves:

• A crystal-infused yoni steam

• A turmeric foot bath

• Three overpriced tinctures from a guy named Sage who lives in a van

• And a “chakra colon cleanse” that promises to “release blocked energy” and anything else not bolted down inside your body.

Do you know what actually unblocks chakras?

Forgiveness.
Meditation.
And maybe a good cry in the bathtub.

But that doesn’t fit neatly in a mason jar with pastel branding and a coupon code.

Ayurveda Meets Biohacking: A Match Made in Marketing Hell

Somewhere between Silicon Valley and Goa, someone decided that Ayurveda—a tradition rooted in thousands of years of spiritual science—needed to be upgraded with Bluetooth-enabled fasting apps and breathwork routines named after Elon Musk’s children.

Thus was born the modern hybrid:
“Vata-Pitta with a side of ketones and startup equity.”

You’ll find men microdosing on ghee while tracking their Oura Ring metrics. Women sipping adaptogenic mushroom dust while hosting “trauma-informed cacao ceremonies.”

I once saw a guy blast his dosha imbalance with a cryotherapy gun while listening to Ram Dass on Spotify. I wept for the ancestors.

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• An infrared enema bulb (certified cruelty-free)

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• Bonus: a coupon for your next karmic upgrade

All proceeds support someone’s retreat in Tulum and their urgent need to post about it.

The Spiritual Superiority Complex (Now Available in Recyclable Packaging)

Let’s address the smug elephant in the yoga studio: spiritual consumerism doesn’t just cost money—it breeds a smugness thicker than a spirulina smoothie.

You’ll know it by the tone.
The smile that says, “I’m more healed than you.”
The post that reads, “Just finished my 9-day juice fast and haven’t had a single negative thought (or bowel movement) since.”

True humility doesn’t come from drinking chlorophyll.
It comes from not needing to post that you did.

Final Blessing (And a Gentle Slap of Truth)

Dear radiant soul with a credit score: if you're spending more on healing than you ever did on hurting, you might not be healing—you might be shopping.

You cannot eat your way to enlightenment.
You cannot supplement your way out of samsara.
And you cannot chakra-cleanse your shadow into submission.

But you can sit your well-fed behind on a cushion, close your eyes, and witness the circus of your thoughts without judgment, hashtags, or smoothies.

That’s the ancient path.

Unbranded. Unboxed. And occasionally uncomfortable.

So by all means, drink your rainbow smoothie. But remember—real practice has no color palette. And freedom comes not in seven steps, but in a single unfiltered breath.

May your kombucha never explode in your tote bag.
May your bowels find balance without intervention.
And may your discernment be sharper than your ginger shots.

If this made you laugh, wince, or put down your moon-dusted crystal latte—consider subscribing, sharing, or donating to fund my next exposé:
“Cryotherapy Baptisms and Other Unnecessary Sacraments.”

With unflinching love and semi-detoxed sarcasm,
Virgin Monk Boy

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