The Beatitudes Were Not a Policy Platform
(But Try Telling That to Certain Facebook Theologians)
Somewhere between the Sermon on the Mount and that guy on Facebook who posts daily memes about how “Jesus Would’ve Open-Carried,” something sacred swerved off the road. And by “swerved,” I mean it careened straight into a ditch filled with patriotic yard decor and devotional books about spiritual warfare written by men who refuse to drink water.
Christian Nationalists have perfected a bold spiritual discipline: treating Jesus’ actual teachings like downloadable bonus content. Optional side quests. Extra lore for nerds who finish the main campaign early.
Because honestly…
“Blessed are the meek” never stood a chance against “Blessed are the armed, loud, and permanently outraged.”
These self-appointed Facebook theologians always show up with the confidence of a man who once skimmed a verse from Romans and decided he understood geopolitics, biblical prophecy, and how Jesus would vote in 2025.
Let’s walk through how the original Beatitudes get patched into the Christian Nationalist Update 2.0.
Original: Blessed are the poor in spirit.
Patch Notes: Blessed are those who struggle financially but still think cutting school lunch programs is “biblical stewardship.”
Original: Blessed are the meek.
Patch Notes: Blessed are the men who film vertical dashboard rants and call it “courage.”
Original: Blessed are the peacemakers.
Patch Notes: Blessed are the people who threaten civil war every election cycle but insist they’re “just quoting scripture.”
Original: Blessed are the merciful.
Patch Notes: Blessed are those who forgive everyone except immigrants, librarians, and whoever corrected them about the Founding Fathers being deists.
Original: Blessed are the pure in heart.
Patch Notes: Blessed are the pure in heart, unless purity interferes with their preferred prophecy conspiracy timeline.
Original: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.
Patch Notes: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness so long as righteousness polls well in the suburbs.
Somewhere in an alternate universe, Jesus is giving the Sermon on the Mount and a man in wraparound sunglasses is interrupting Him to ask where “personal liberty” fits into the Beatitudes.
Jesus wanted transformation.
These guys want a theocracy with merch.
And when you dare point out the difference between Christ’s teachings and whatever patriotic PowerPoint they absorbed at last week’s men’s breakfast, suddenly you’re the heretic. You “don’t understand biblical toughness.” My friend, I trained with monks. You trained with Facebook Reels.
The Beatitudes aren’t policies.
They’re a blueprint for the kind of human being power can’t corrupt.
But humility doesn’t sell.
Rage does.
And outrage pays out like a casino slot machine chiming in Old Testament.
So the Sermon on the Mount stays neatly ignored, misquoted, or stamped onto a Hobby Lobby sign hung above a gun rack.
Blessed be those who still hear the words and let them rearrange their hearts, even while the Comment Section Prophet is typing “ACTUALLY…”
May the ones who cling to power discover the terror and relief of letting go.
May the loud remember that heaven whispers.
May the self-appointed prophets of the algorithm find the courage to log off long enough to notice their own hearts.
And may all who hunger for something real taste the strange sweetness of the kingdom that cannot be legislated.
Blessed be the ones who choose mercy even when certainty is easier.
One Last Thing for the Brave, the Fed-Up, and the Spiritually Belligerent
If this roast stirred something in you, take a look at the card designed for the exact moment a Christian Nationalist starts lecturing you about “biblical truth” while clutching a flag and a conspiracy theory.
It’s a prayer card — not just for you, but for them.
A small, sacred interruption.
A pocket-sized reset button for people who confuse the Gospel with their voter registration.
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FB gospel is just a recent edition of the White Xian Nationalist playbook. White evangelicals made an unholy marriage with the GOP, for $$, power and supremacy, after women and black people were acknowledged to be human and deserving of rights. It's been in play for decades in various forms. I've been watching since Reagan won in 1980, and the various revisions concocted since. The new media landscape [FB, X, etc] with their algorithms, has simply amplified their hellscape. Now, Jesus teachings are too woke for them. Sadly, fear and hatred sell better than love, and many believe they will get a spiritual bypass.
Yep! Can't tell you how many discussions I had with people over the years about the majority of the founding fathers being deists. Then trying to explain how that can get hijacked into patriarchy.
I think a lot of this comes from fear and lack of education or even interest in anything they did not get off Facebook or make up.
Lord have mercy...