National Atmospheric Security Alert
The Trump administration has discovered that Canadian air is crossing the border illegally
The White House has identified a new threat to the American homeland.
Canadian smoke.
For years, radical environmentalists have claimed that air moves freely across national borders because of something called “wind.” The Trump administration now believes this is merely another globalist loophole designed to undermine American atmospheric sovereignty.
President Trump recently blamed Canada for wildfire smoke drifting into the United States and suggested that Canada may need to compensate America through additional tariffs.
This is a historic development.
Previous presidents foolishly believed that tariffs could only be placed on physical goods. Trump understands that anything can be taxed if you are angry enough while explaining it.
Steel. Cheese. Lumber. Smoke. Clouds. Possibly moonlight.
The Department of Homeland Security is reportedly preparing to deploy agents along the northern border with industrial fans. Their mission will be to identify suspicious air currents and redirect them back toward Ontario.
Any cloud entering the United States without proper documentation will be detained.
Fog will be required to remove all face coverings.
The administration has also proposed an Atmospheric Citizenship Test. Foreign air masses will be asked to name three Founding Fathers, recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and explain why Canadian healthcare is communism.
Those unable to answer will be deported by leaf blower.
White House officials stressed that legal air has nothing to fear.
“We welcome oxygen that enters the country through the proper channels,” one imaginary official explained. “But this smoke cut the line. It entered through Wisconsin without checking in with Customs, took American visibility, and refused to speak English.”
The administration is reportedly considering a 50 percent tariff on Canadian smoke, although economists have warned that the smoke itself is unlikely to pay it.
The cost will therefore be passed along to American consumers who purchase Canadian furniture, clothing, wine, cheese, and hockey equipment.
This is how America wins.
Canada sends us smoke, so we make a refrigerator in Ohio more expensive.
Experts once believed that wildfire smoke was connected to rising temperatures, drought, and increasingly severe fire seasons. But that explanation contains the phrase “climate change,” which has been removed from federal vocabulary and replaced with “weather doing woke stuff.”
The new official position is that forests burn because Canada lacks strong leadership.
American forests, by contrast, burn patriotically.
They do not spread foreign smoke. They release freedom vapor.
Evangelical leaders have praised the president’s atmospheric border policy, noting that God divided the nations and therefore probably intended weather to respect the same boundaries.
The Book of Genesis does not specifically mention tariffs. However, this has never stopped anyone from finding Republican economic policy in Scripture.
Some pastors are already calling for prayer against illegal clouds.
“Lord, build a hedge of protection around our airspace,” they will pray from churches cooled by electricity generated from fuels that helped create the conditions they are praying against.
Meanwhile, Canada continues fighting hundreds of wildfires, evacuating communities, and deploying thousands of firefighters.
This may sound like the actual emergency.
It is not.
The real emergency is that Americans briefly had to smell another country.
Trump has promised to defend us.
Today, Canadian smoke.
Tomorrow, Mexican humidity.
By next spring, the administration may impose tariffs on pollen, migratory birds, and any rainstorm unable to provide proof of citizenship.
Unfortunately, creation remains poorly governed.
Rivers cross borders. Birds ignore checkpoints. Seeds travel without passports. The wind goes wherever it pleases, carrying smoke, rain, dust, prayers, and the occasional red hat that was not secured properly.
The wind has never applied for a visa.
It has never pledged allegiance to a flag.
And despite our best efforts, it still refuses to recognize Donald Trump as president of the atmosphere.
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So very funny. So very sad.