Infomercial: GI Bill Seminary — Get Educated and Tithes!
Because nothing says “Serve and Surrender” like financing your pastor’s pool.
🌀 Satire Alert 🌀
This sacred transmission is 100% satire. No veterans were spiritually upsold during the making of this sermon. If your pastor drives a Tesla, consult your conscience before enrolling.
Welcome to GI Bill Seminary, the only faith-based institution where your military benefits get instantly converted into your pastor’s second Tesla.
That’s right, veterans — why waste your GI Bill on some boring degree when you can earn your M.Div in Megachurch Management from the comfort of your recliner? Every Zoom class begins with prayer, ends with a donation link, and features special guest appearances from influencers who’ve been baptized in bottled water.
The Holy Pitch
Recruiters are everywhere: at VA offices, in church parking lots, even lurking behind the donut table after Sunday service.
They start with the same heavenly line:
“Brother, don’t you want to fight for the Lord’s army next?”
Then comes the promise of full military-blessed accreditation — whatever that means.
A veteran asks, “Is this recognized by the Department of Education?”
The recruiter smiles. “It’s recognized by the Department of Revelation.”
And just like that, another soldier signs up to major in Biblical Business Analytics, minor in Tithing Psychology, and spend the next four years Zooming with spiritual influencers who start every lecture with, “Smash that Amen button!”
Meet the Shepherds
Cut to a mansion somewhere in Texas.
Pastor Bradly Prosper adjusts his diamond cross chain and stares into the camera.
“Before GI Bill Seminary, I had just one vacation home,” he says, smiling through veneers brighter than the Transfiguration.
“Now I’m saving souls in Cabo. Praise the refund check!”
He’s joined by Dr. FaithAnn Goldleaf, the dean of Spiritual Entrepreneurship Studies. Her degree was printed on gold leaf and blessed by an algorithm. She assures students that anyone can become an ordained prosperity prophet with the right funnel strategy and a little faith in compound interest.
The Curriculum
Our students don’t waste time with useless history or languages. Instead, they dive straight into the heart of modern ministry:
Spiritual Branding 101: Discover your authentic preaching aesthetic. (Ring light required.)
Advanced Tithonomics: The sacred art of converting guilt into recurring revenue.
Apologetics for Influencers: How to look repentant on livestream.
Intro to Eschatology: Because every semester ends like the world is ending.
Graduation ceremonies are held on Zoom — everyone tosses their Bibles in the air, and the school cashes their next GI installment before it lands.
The Fine Print
Is it accredited? Technically, yes — by the Board of Blurry Acronyms and the State of Denial.
Do graduates get ordained? Sure, if they pass the final test: writing a sermon that convinces three friends to tithe.
Will your benefits cover it? They’ll cover everything except salvation.
Closing Benediction
So enroll today in GI Bill Seminary — where faith meets funding, and your devotion is tax-deductible.
Because at GI Bill Seminary, we believe in two eternal truths:
The meek may inherit the earth,
But the accredited will inherit your bank account.
BE ALL YOU CAN PRAY.
Classes filling fast. Salvation sold separately.
Blessing:
May your tuition rise as swiftly as your pastor’s square footage,
and may the Holy Spirit always approve your direct deposit.
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Tithonomics
That indetifies the source of much grief in the world of organized religion and cults.
When you compell someone by pressure and shame to tithe, how can it be a gift freely given? Once that started with a group, I was out if there. If my work in a ministry was not sufficient, I doubt they cared about my soul.
This is so funny, & so is the picture at the top. I sure don’t want to get tangled up in Megachurch Management, even if Dr. FaithAnn Goldleaf throws a brunch party. Vets, beware of churches (& your own government!) that try to take advantage of you!👻