Eros to Agape: The Transformation Most Christians Miss
Why desire isn’t the problem—it’s the starting point
This reflection is inspired by Through Holy Week with Mary Magdalene, guided by the teachings of Cynthia Bourgeault. In this series, Holy Week is not treated as a courtroom drama about guilt and acquittal, but as an initiation into conscious love. Again and again, Bourgeault challenges assumptions that many Christians have inherited without realizing it. One of the most important is the idea that spiritual growth requires suppressing desire. What if desire is not the enemy? What if desire is actually where the journey begins?
The Trouble With Fighting Your Own Heart
Most people have spent at least part of their lives fighting with desire.
Sometimes the battle is religious. Sometimes it is psychological. Sometimes it is simply the exhaustion that comes from wanting something you cannot have. Whatever form it takes, the assumption underneath is usually the same: if I could just get rid of this longing, then I would finally be at peace.
The problem is that the strategy never seems to work.
People suppress desire for years and still find themselves haunted by it. They bury it under theology, discipline, productivity, self-improvement, or sheer stubbornness, only to discover that the heart continues reaching anyway. It reaches toward beauty. It reaches toward intimacy. It reaches toward meaning. It reaches toward God. The object changes, but the movement remains.
That should probably make us suspicious of the idea that desire itself is the problem.
After all, if longing were simply a defect in the human system, it is strange that it appears everywhere. It appears in lovers. It appears in artists. It appears in saints. It appears in mystics. It appears in the people who spend their lives seeking God. The heart keeps reaching because reaching is part of what the heart does.
The real question is not whether desire exists.
The real question is what happens to desire as it grows.
Love Begins By Wanting
One of the stranger habits of modern Christianity is the tendency to split love into two camps. On one side sits eros, the love that wants. On the other sits agape, the love that gives. One is treated as suspect while the other is treated as holy. One belongs to ordinary human beings. The other belongs to saints.
The division sounds neat.
Life rarely is.
The older Christian tradition often understood something much more interesting. Eros and agape were not necessarily opposites. They could be understood as different stages in the maturation of love itself. Eros was not the enemy of agape. Eros was love at the beginning of the journey.
That matters because every serious spiritual search starts with desire. Nobody seeks God because they have become completely indifferent. Nobody enters the contemplative life because they no longer want anything. People seek because something in them aches. They want truth. They want healing. They want communion. They want the Real.
The entire journey begins because the heart has been set in motion.
The Mystics Were Not Afraid of Desire
One of the reasons modern discussions become so confused is that many Christians inherited a deep suspicion of desire that would have seemed strange to much of the mystical tradition.
Read the great Christian mystics and you find language overflowing with longing. The soul yearns for God. The lover searches for the beloved. The heart aches for union. The imagery is often drawn from romance, attraction, desire, and intimacy because those experiences contain some of the closest human approximations to what the mystics are trying to describe.
They were not embarrassed by desire.
They were interested in where desire leads.
The problem was never that human beings wanted too much. If anything, the problem was that they settled too quickly for small things. Desire became destructive when it collapsed inward and became obsessed with possession. It became transformative when it expanded beyond possession into participation.
That is a very different framework from the one many people inherited.
Instead of dividing love into pure and impure categories, the mystics were often more interested in whether love was becoming larger.
When Desire Begins To Change
One of the hardest lessons in life is discovering that love and possession are not the same thing.
At first they seem inseparable. We encounter something beautiful and want to keep it. We fall in love and want certainty. We discover a spiritual practice that opens the heart and immediately start wondering how to preserve the experience forever. The instinct is understandable. The heart naturally wants to hold onto what it loves.
Then life intervenes.
People change. Relationships evolve. Spiritual experiences come and go. The future refuses to follow the script we carefully wrote for it. Again and again we discover that the things we love most deeply cannot actually be possessed.
This is where desire faces a choice.
It can become bitter.
Or it can become larger.
A lesser desire keeps asking, “How do I keep this?” A deeper desire begins asking, “How do I love this?” That shift sounds small until it happens inside your own life. Then it changes everything.
Because love organized around possession is always frightened. It has to defend itself constantly against change. Love organized around presence is different. It can remain open even when control disappears.
This is the transformation from eros to agape.
Not the death of desire.
The maturation of desire.
Mary Magdalene and the Transformation of Love
This is one reason Mary Magdalene becomes such an important figure in Bourgeault’s understanding of Holy Week.
Magdalene stands near the center of a story where every ordinary expectation about love is shattered. She cannot protect the beloved. She cannot stop the suffering. She cannot prevent the crucifixion. She cannot negotiate with death itself. Every strategy the human heart normally uses to secure what it loves fails completely.
Yet the love remains.
That is the part worth paying attention to.
Not that Magdalene loved. Most people love. The question is what happened to the love after possession became impossible.
What survives the cross is not indifference. It is not emotional numbness. It is not detachment in the sense of no longer caring. The love actually becomes stronger, clearer, and more spacious. It is no longer organized around ownership. It has become fidelity. Presence. Recognition.
In Magdalene we see something that the mystical tradition has been trying to teach for centuries. Love does not become holy by becoming less passionate. Love becomes holy when the passion is freed from the need to possess.
Let Desire Evolve
The modern world usually offers two solutions to desire. Indulge it or suppress it. Follow every impulse or fight every impulse. Neither approach produces much wisdom.
The contemplative path suggests something more difficult. Listen to desire. Stay with it. Follow it deeply enough to discover what it is actually seeking.
Often the first object is not the final destination.
The longing for beauty may conceal a longing for God.
The longing for intimacy may conceal a longing for communion.
The longing for recognition may conceal a longing to be known completely.
The surface desire is real, but it is rarely the deepest thing happening.
This is why desire is not the problem. Desire is the starting point. The heart reaches because it was made to reach. The spiritual life begins when we stop treating that movement as an enemy and start paying attention to where it wants to go.
What begins as eros can become agape.
What begins as wanting can become loving.
What begins as the desire to possess can become the capacity to bless.
The goal was never to kill the longing.
The goal was to allow it to become what it was always trying to be.
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This helped me because it does not treat desire like something shameful. In the path of remembrance, desire is not the enemy. The nafs grabs, clings, and tries to possess, but the longing itself may be pointing toward Allah if the heart is allowed to be polished. That turn from “How do I keep this?” to “How do I love this?” feels important. It is not about killing desire. It is about letting desire be purified until it becomes less about possession and more about love.
Great post. I used to be a little wary of eros in spirituality but I've had a change of heart over the last couple of years. I can't help wondering about eros and God. If God has given me the gift of life because God is so good and purely giving, that's nice of God. But if God did it partly because God really wants me, desires me, desires that I be part of God's community of love, that's way better (to me, to my feeling loved) than just God being nice and full of agape. To think that God actually wants me - wow! That makes all the difference.