⚜️ Satire Alert ⚜️
This episode of Shark Tank: Gospel Edition is entirely fictional.
No apostles were harmed, resurrected, or granted equity during production.
Any resemblance to actual disciples, televangelists, or venture capitalists is purely coincidental—though probably deserved.
The set glows like a digital tomb. Mary walks out barefoot, calm, carrying a small VR headset.
“Sharks,” she says, “I bring you Resurrection: The Experience™ — a fully immersive rebirth simulation where users roll back the stone and meet their undivided self.”
The crowd gasps. The Sharks smell theology and venture capital in equal measure.
Mark Cuban clears his throat. “So… is this like a metaverse church?”
“Not quite,” Mary replies. “It’s where your ego dies so your soul can log back in.”
Peter barges in from backstage, red with skepticism. “Are we seriously giving equity to her? She was crying at the tomb five minutes ago and now she’s CEO of eternity?”
Mary doesn’t flinch. “You judge from fear, Peter. But resurrection doesn’t need your permission.”
John steps forward, eyes soft but firm. “Brother, why do you rise against her? Didn’t the Teacher say she saw what we could not?”
The set goes still. Even the studio audience feels the static of revelation.
Mark Cuban taps his pen. “Okay, but can it scale?”
Mary smiles. “It already did. You’re all running on it.”
The Sharks stare as the monitors flicker — each screen showing their own faces emerging from tombs of code and currency.
No one makes an offer.
But the ratings rise from the dead.
Moral: When the market meets the mystic, someone always asks about scalability—and misses that resurrection was never meant to IPO.
Blessed be the startups that trade stock options for salvation.
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Brilliant. Mary rocks.
I love that you didn’t include Barbara Corcoran, she seems to have sold her soul (what’s left of it) and cashed in on crap endorsements.
Probably a blessing i hit that blue arrow accidentally too soon but I’m still laughing. The whole visual of Magdalene carrying a small VR headset with Mark Cuban, Peter & John going at it was just priceless & i cant read it without hysteria.
the ending is Oscar worthy. Genius satire 😂 hitting sooo close to truth/home.