MAGA’s Fake Super Bowl Halftime Show: TPUSA’s Garage Band for the Apocalypse
When your culture war playlist is Creed and your halftime show is cope.
Turning Point USA just announced they’re putting on their very own “All American Halftime Show” to compete with the actual Super Bowl halftime show. Translation: When your prom date picks Bad Bunny, you throw a tantrum in the parking lot and start playing Creed off your Discman.
Yes, MAGA is so offended that Benito Martínez Ocasio — aka Bad Bunny, aka one of the most popular artists on Earth, aka a man who’s been streamed nearly 100 billion times — is headlining the halftime show, that they’ve decided to create a parallel universe where washed-up bands and worship music count as cultural dominance. This is less “alternative halftime show” and more “sad county fair stage behind the funnel cake tent.”
TPUSA’s Cultural Death Rattle
After Charlie Kirk’s assassination, TPUSA keeps stumbling forward on fumes, still trying to manufacture relevance through culture war gimmicks. And somehow their big play is… Creed. Nothing says “we’re taking back the culture” like a band that peaked during the Clinton impeachment. Half their fanbase is still paying Blockbuster late fees.
They’re out here begging Nickelback and Papa Roach to headline like it’s 1999. This isn’t a halftime show, it’s a divorced dad’s Spotify algorithm.
And worship music? Please. Nothing gets the blood pumping during a football game like a slow jam about Jesus that sounds like it was written for a Toyota commercial.
Cope, Exhibit A
Trump superfans on X are swearing this MAGA halftime thing will “be more watched than the actual Super Bowl.” Sure, buddy. And my goldfish is going to win “Dancing with the Stars.”
Meanwhile, some MAGA guy actually thought “Measles” was a real performer on the fake poster. Imagine explaining to him that measles are, in fact, a disease. Then again, given their vaccination habits, maybe they do think it’s a celebrity.
Mike Johnson’s Greatest Hits
House Speaker Mike Johnson even chimed in, saying Bad Bunny “doesn’t appeal to a broad audience” and suggested they get 82-year-old Lee Greenwood instead. Because nothing says “cultural relevance” like a guy whose last hit predates cordless phones. If Johnson had his way, halftime shows would just be old men humming Sousa marches into a ham radio.
MAGA vs Reality
Let’s be clear: the real issue isn’t Bad Bunny’s music. It’s that he sings in Spanish. And nothing terrifies MAGA more than realizing America’s actual culture isn’t dictated by white evangelicals in cargo shorts. Over 40 million Americans speak Spanish at home, but MAGA acts like every syllable is an act of war.
Reggaeton is the perfect symbol of why MAGA will never win the culture war: it’s diverse, innovative, global, sexy, and fun. MAGA’s cultural product, on the other hand, looks like Kid Rock vomiting into a MAGA hat while Creed strums power chords in the background.
Virgin Monk Boy’s Blessing
Blessed be the halftime show that never was,
for it reveals the halftime show MAGA deserves:
an empty stage, a broken jukebox,
and TPUSA staffers chanting
“politics is downstream from Creed”
to a crowd of folding chairs.
May your nostalgia playlists be short,
your Spanish lessons free,
and your culture wars unwinnable.
—Virgin Monk Boy
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When will I ever learn not to read VMB when I’m eating?
Just began eating dinner & started reading this. Just seeing the word CREED triggered projectile vomiting (which I, thank you baby Jesus, was able to abort). I had to play that band over & over my last days working in radio & yes, to each his own but….the whole story itself is just so EMBARRASSING, sad & stupid. Nickelback & Papa Roach? Really? Is this a dream? Because of a language difference with an incredibly talented half-time show star???Hanging my head in shame as i plunge forward…& almost spit my food across the room laughing picturing Kid Rock barfing into a MAGA hat 🤣. (Probably not the first time)
One more thing……i bet your goldfish DOES have a better chance at winning “Dancing with the Stars” than this half-time MAGA thing being watched more than the Super Bowl. 🐠 Dance, Goldie!
I’ll stick with emotionally relevant performers like Sarah McLachlan, Calum Scott, Ed Sheeran, thank you. Esp Calum since he is gay.