🌀 Satire Alert 🌀
If you came looking for theology, you found a garage band.
This is sacred nonsense — a musical parable for anyone who knows that enlightenment and Elvis both require good stage presence.
Jesus plays bass because of course he does. The foundation of everything. Solid, dependable, and sometimes resurrects the vibe mid-set.
Buddha takes the drums and keeps perfect time because he isn’t attached to tempo. He doesn’t hit the drums; he liberates them from illusion. His fills are empty yet full.
Elvis is the frontman. The King never died; he just changed frequencies. He still hogs the mic, hips moving somewhere between nirvana and Vegas. His mantra? Uh-huh, om baby, om.
Their debut album is titled “Love Me Tender, Love Thy Neighbor, Detach From Desire.”
Recorded live in the Akashic Records. Critics called it “divine but confusing.”
The Practice Session
Jesus: “Alright, fellas, let’s open with ‘All You Need Is Loaves.’”
Buddha: “That sounds delicious.”
Elvis: “Can we make it a sandwich medley? I’m hungry for grace.”
They start to play.
Jesus lays down a steady bassline, calm and unshakable.
Buddha’s drumming is so peaceful the sticks begin levitating.
Elvis slides into a croon that makes half the angels swoon and the other half question their vows of detachment.
Buddha: “You’re rushing the tempo again, Elvis.”
Elvis: “Tempo’s just a suggestion, man.”
Jesus: “Let’s harmonize. On three. One, two—”
(blinding light, faint chorus of hallelujahs)
Elvis: “Whoa, did we just open another dimension?”
Buddha: “Yes. Please close it. Too many egos are coming through.”
They take a break.
Jesus blesses the snacks. Buddha thanks the snacks. Elvis eats the snacks.
Elvis: “We should call this tour the Second Coming.”
Jesus: “Already taken.”
Buddha: “Try ‘The Eternal Return.’”
Elvis: “Now that’s got groove.”
The Concert
At their first show, Jesus tries crowd surfing but the crowd parts.
Buddha dims the lights to symbolize impermanence.
Elvis brings out fog machines to symbolize, well, Vegas.
Their hit single “Can’t Help Falling Into Emptiness” tops celestial charts for forty days and forty nights.
The devil’s band, featuring Nietzsche on guitar, opens once but storms off mid-set shouting, “God is dead, but this groove slaps!”
When asked about the future, Jesus says, “We’re planning a comeback tour. Technically, I already did one.”
Buddha replies, “There is no comeback. Only the eternal now.”
Elvis smiles, “Thank you, thank you, non-dually.”
Behind the Scenes
The group chat is chaos.
Elvis insists on sequined robes. Buddha replies with a single emoji: 🪶.
Jesus types “peace be with you,” but autocorrect keeps changing it to “piece of you,” which confuses everyone.
Mary Magdalene joins later as the harpist, turning every rehearsal into a therapy session.
Krishna drops in on sitar, playing riffs so transcendent that angels start filing HR complaints about “overexposure to bliss.”
Meanwhile, John Lennon keeps trying to sneak in to jam, but the bouncers remind him, “Not your time yet, mate.”
During one rehearsal, Elvis proposes a new ballad called “Suspicious Minds, Open Hearts.”
Jesus loves it.
Buddha deletes it.
They compromise and rename it “Attachment Issues.”
A documentary crew from Heaven’s Netflix (working title: Stillness and Swagger) is rumored to be filming their process, but the footage keeps disappearing into radiant light.
And that’s how the first enlightened band was born: part gospel, part rock, part void.
Tickets cost nothing, but you’ll need to check your ego at the door.
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Speaking as a musician: I •loved• this!
So reassuring to find out heaven isn’t boring! Of course hardly any mortals can sing along with “Detach From Desire,” but Jesus on bass pulls it together. I’ll be humming “All You Need Is Loaves” all week, & chanting “uh-huh, om baby, om” will put all those pesky chakras into alignment, for sure.🎶