If Jesus Wanted a Theocracy, He Wouldn’t Have Died Opposing One
A field trip through Constantine, Caesar, and every imperial mess where religion and power hook up and immediately regret it
Satire Alert:
This is commentary, not prophecy. Jesus is not actually posing in front of the Capitol like He just filed a divine eviction notice. The whole point is to poke fun at the idea that He ever wanted His kingdom run by earthly bureaucrats in the first place. If you can laugh at empire while remembering He resisted it, you’re reading this exactly right.
Blessed be the tired disciples who woke up today and said, “Maybe we should stop confusing the Sermon on the Mount with the Constitution.” You are closer to the Kingdom than half of Congress.
Let’s get this out of the way: if Jesus wanted a theocracy, He wouldn’t have spent His entire ministry dodging every attempt to make Him king. He could have snapped His fingers, pulled a Constantine 300 years early, and turned Judea into the Holy Republic of Galilee with Peter as Secretary of Fish.
But instead He said “My kingdom is not of this world,” which is ancient-Near-Eastern monk speak for “Stop trying to hand me political power, you absolute clowns.”
The man literally died at the hands of a government in bed with a priesthood. That is the spiritual equivalent of a Yelp review.
And yet here we are in 2025, listening to people shout that America was founded as a Christian nation, completely ignoring the fact that the founders were so allergic to theocracy they built a whole amendment about it.
So gather close, friends. Virgin Monk Boy is taking you on a field trip.
Stop 1. Rome: Where Religion Goes To Become A Tool
The early Jesus movement was anti-Empire on a cellular level. It was a community of nobodies who believed that love, not Caesar, runs the universe.
Fast forward three centuries and Constantine says, “Cute movement you’ve got there. Be a shame if I made you the state religion and used you to secure my power.”
The Church: “But sir, we follow a man who opposed every form of political dominance.”
Constantine: “Not anymore you don’t.”
Religious leaders nodded, put on capes, and invented the idea that God loves bureaucracy.
Every theocracy ends the same way: with somebody getting stoned, and not the fun Sufi way.
Stop 2. Byzantine Drama: The Original Christian Nationalists
The Byzantines perfected the fine art of shouting “God wills it” right before raising taxes, invading neighbors, or excommunicating their cousin for eating yogurt on the wrong day.
Christian Nationalism is basically the Byzantines except with worse fashion and more Facebook memes.
Stop 3. Medieval Europe: When Theocracy Ate The Map
If Jesus wanted political authority, He wouldn’t have spent His life arguing with theocracy’s favorite duo: corrupt priests and violent rulers.
By the Middle Ages, the Church was running everything from kings to kitchen sinks. Spoiler: the poor stayed poor, the powerful stayed powerful, and Jesus stayed facepalming in heaven.
Stop 4. The American Founding: Not Actually A Bible FanFic
The founders had plenty of flaws, but one thing they understood was this: mixing religion and state is like mixing bleach and ammonia. It makes poison.
The First Amendment was basically written to stop Constantine 2.0.
Yet modern theocrats insist America was built for them, as if Thomas Jefferson wasn’t out here writing that “Christianity neither is nor ever was a part of the common law.”
But sure, tell me more about how Jesus wants mandatory Bible studies in public schools.
Why Theocracy Always Fails
Because the moment you strap God to a throne, you stop worshipping God and start worshipping the throne.
Theocracy weaponizes heaven to protect earthly power. It turns spirituality into surveillance. It turns faith into nationalism. It turns prophets into props.
Jesus didn’t die to start a political party. He died because one already existed and it felt threatened.
And the resurrection was the divine middle finger to every empire that thought violence could silence truth.
Virgin Monk Boy’s Benediction for the Theocratically Confused
Blessed be the ones who remember that the kingdom of God is not on a ballot.
Blessed be the ones who know love cannot be legislated.
Blessed be the ones who refuse to turn Jesus into a mascot for empire.
And blessed be the ones who see through the Christian Nation myth and say, “No thanks, we tried that in Rome. It didn’t go well.”
If Jesus wanted a theocracy, He would have built one.
Instead He built a community.
And a community is a lot harder to control, which is exactly why empires hate it.
One Last Thing for the Brave, the Fed-Up, and the Spiritually Belligerent
If this roast stirred something in you, take a look at the card designed for the exact moment a Christian Nationalist starts lecturing you about “biblical truth” while clutching a flag and a conspiracy theory.
It’s a prayer card — not just for you, but for them.
A small, sacred interruption.
A pocket-sized reset button for people who confuse the Gospel with their voter registration.
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I love a good skewering, and this one, well I actually did laugh out loud. I don’t usually get very far down the list of all the things Jefferson (and others) had to say about an arranged marriage between the new Republic and Christianity before the contortions are too painful to witness anymore.
You can’t push a string.
🙌🙌🙌