Federal Government Announces New ICE App: Now You Can Deport Your Feelings Too

Because it’s not enough to round up bodies — now we’re rounding up emotions, too.

Satire Alert: This is satire. It does not describe a real app but riffs on real events — including government recruitment ads for ICE that ran on major platforms and drew widespread backlash from users and artists.

Introducing “ICE: Deporter 2.0”

In an astonishing leap forward for both federal enforcement and emotional repression, the U.S. government today (in satire only) unveiled ICE: Deporter 2.0 — a mobile app that doesn’t just track people, it tracks your feelings about the people ICE is targeting.

Forget ordinary surveillance: this app will deport your empathy, evict your compassion, and auto-ban any urge to think critically about federal power.

Features include:

• Mood Meter: Automatically deletes any emotion labeled “empathy” once you open the app

• Trigger Alerts: Sends you push notifications whenever you feel bad about an ICE raid

• Auto-Remorse Removal: Syncs with your Spotify account and only pulls the ads Spotify finally dumped after public backlash because users were canceling accounts in protest.

That’s right: now you don’t just round up populations; you round up your psyche.

All the Deportations, None of the Feelings

The official press release for Deporter 2.0 was short, cryptic, and astonishingly tone-deaf. It read, in part:

“We heard the people want accountability, so we built something that sidesteps accountability forever.”

That’s not a joke. That’s exactly the spirit of a product that promises:

• Emotional Buffer Zones: so you never again feel discomfort about federal tactical operations

• Cognitive Firewall: blocks all news stories that might make you think about families separated by enforcement

• Integrity Eraser: forbids journalists and academics from asking too many questions

This is the digital future that lawmakers promise when they talk about “efficiency,” and the app even comes with a premium version that costs your humanity.

Syncs With Spotify (But Only the Good Bits)

In a bizarre twist of corporate synergy, Deporter 2.0 offers selective Spotify integration.

The app won’t play your favorite playlist — instead, it scours your history for artists who’ve publicly criticized ICE ads running on streaming — you know, the ads that sparked protests among users and musicians alike.

Once the app identifies protests in your listening habits, it immediately replaces those tracks with a loop of government recruitment jingles promising cushy hiring bonuses and “making America safe.”

Because if you can’t feel shame, at least you can hear it on repeat.

Why This App Actually Makes Sense — in This Dystopia

This version of Deporter 2.0 doesn’t exist. But the logic behind it is already out there:

• The federal government dropped millions on recruitment ads for ICE — including on mainstream platforms — prompting boycotts and cultural backlash.

• Users and artists protested those ads, which eventually stopped running on at least one major platform.

• The gap between enforcement messaging and public sentiment has grown so wide that it almost feels like we’re living in a dystopian comedy of errors.

Deporter 2.0 simply amplifies that logic to its absurd conclusion: If you can’t actually change policy, why not just invent a tool that makes people numb to it?

The Punchline

Look, the real world is complicated, and no app can fix that. But satire doesn’t ask for solutions. It asks us to look at what we’re normalizing and say, out loud:

If we treat empathy like a feature to be disabled, we’ve already lost the plot.

Deporter 2.0 may be a joke — but it’s a joke because the alternatives feel so surreal that satire is the only language left that even comes close to the truth.

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