Christian Nationalism: The Only Theology That Thinks Jesus Needs a Border Wall
Why a faith built on welcoming strangers keeps choosing walls, wires, and weapons instead.
Somewhere in America, there’s a Bible open to Revelation, a Glock on the nightstand, and a bald eagle gasping for breath under a MAGA flag. A man named Randy is absolutely convinced that Jesus — a brown-skinned refugee who fled a tyrant’s violence — actually wanted a 2,000-mile wall with razor wire and a “repent-or-go-home” kiosk run by people who can’t pronounce Nazareth.
Christian Nationalism is the only theology bold enough to believe the Prince of Peace moonlighted as Homeland Security.
It’s Empire cosplay with a prayer book.
It’s Constantine’s greatest hits remixed into a country song.
It’s Rome 2.0, now with American seasoning.
And the funniest part? They treat
“I was a stranger and you welcomed me”
the same way they treat climate change:
as a metaphor, optional, and probably socialist.
They’ve created an entire religion where Jesus is somehow both the Good Shepherd and the TSA agent yelling, “Sir, I’m going to need you to step out of the line and remove your sandals.”
You have to admire the creativity.
To get clarity, I sat down with Jesus for a quick interview. He didn’t bring a border wall, but he did bring receipts.
A Completely Real and Absolutely Necessary Interview with Jesus
Virgin Monk Boy:
Let’s get right to it. Did you want a border wall?
Jesus:
If I wanted a wall, the resurrection would’ve been a lot simpler. I could’ve stayed inside the tomb and avoided most of this drama.
VMB:
Christian Nationalists insist you meant “welcome the good strangers.”
Jesus:
The only “good” stranger is the one you treat like a human being.
When I said “xenos,” I didn’t mean “vetting application pending.”
VMB:
A lot of people say the Gospel requires “law and order.”
Jesus:
Law and order is great when it protects the vulnerable.
It’s less great when it treats a mother carrying a toddler like a national security threat.
VMB:
There was a guy who said he got tased at the border.
Jesus:
Let me speak plainly.
“I was a stranger and you welcomed me”
does not translate to
“I was a stranger so you lightly electrocuted me for walking too close to your fence.”
Anyone who thinks tasers are sacraments should not be handing out Bibles.
Christian Nationalism: A Theological Marvel
Christian Nationalism is what happens when you stapled the Sermon on the Mount to a campaign flyer and hoped nobody noticed the smoke.
It’s the faith equivalent of microwaving fish in an office breakroom:
completely avoidable, deeply unpleasant, and someone will absolutely defend it as their right.
It’s yelling “THE BIBLE IS CLEAR” while ignoring everything Jesus said about:
• wealth
• enemies
• violence
• humility
• foreigners
• forgiveness
• letting go of power
• and not confusing Caesar with God
It’s amazing how much Scripture people forget when it interferes with their patriotism.
The early Christians welcomed everyone — Syrians, Greeks, Ethiopians, women, eunuchs, the poor, the broken, the strange. They formed communities across language, class, and ethnicity.
Christian Nationalists welcome guns.
One tradition changed the world.
The other can’t even change a Facebook password without asking their nephew.
Walls, Fear, and the Gospel According to Cable News
If you listen closely, Christian Nationalism never talks about God.
It talks about fear.
Fear of losing status.
Fear of changing demographics.
Fear of brownness.
Fear of not being the main character anymore.
Fear dressed in Scripture is still fear.
It just smells like a church potluck.
The irony?
Islam — the religion they fear most — built a civilization that survived empires coming and going.
Mystics, poets, philosophers, scientists, legal scholars, astronomers — they all formed a coherent culture across continents without collapsing into rage when someone prayed in a different language.
Christians once had that confidence, too.
Then came cable news.
Jesus’ Closing Message
Before he left, Jesus gave me one last line, the kind that hits like a Zen stick and a comedy punchline at the same time:
“If they need the government to enforce their faith, it isn’t faith.
It’s an identity crisis with a hymnal.”
He winked. A border wall somewhere cracked. A butterfly crossed three countries without showing ID. Someone in a megachurch felt an unexpected stirring of compassion and assumed it was indigestion.
May you welcome the stranger, because that has always been the real border crossing — the one between your comfort and someone else’s survival.
And blessings on Randy.
He’s going to need divine intervention and maybe a geography lesson.
One Last Thing for the Brave, the Fed-Up, and the Spiritually Belligerent
If this roast stirred something in you, take a look at the card designed for the exact moment a Christian Nationalist starts lecturing you about “biblical truth” while clutching a flag and a conspiracy theory.
It’s a prayer card — not just for you, but for them.
A small, sacred interruption.
A pocket-sized reset button for people who confuse the Gospel with their voter registration.
On the front: Virgin Monk Boy himself, serene and unbothered, man bun and all — the ultimate spiritual jump scare for anyone who thinks holiness requires a buzzcut and an AR-15.
On the back:
A Prayer for Victory Over Christian Nationalism —
a liturgy that gently but firmly pulls the plug on empire theology.
Handing this card to a Christian Nationalist is a spiritual experience in itself.
There’s nothing quite like the look on their face when they see the icon — the man bun, the prayer rope, the soft gaze — and then their eyes drift to the text and realize it’s a prayer calling them out of idolatry, fear, and political cosplay.
It’s priceless.
It’s holy.
It’s half evangelism, half performance art.
Here’s the printable version:
https://www.virginmonkboy.com/p/virgin-monk-boy-patron-saint-against
Keep a few in your wallet.
The Spirit tends to move — and so do Christian Nationalists with unsolicited opinions.
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… and she wept… she had Finally reached the part in the story when she jumped up from her chair as if by electric cattle prod and yelled YES!
So loudly the neighbour upstairs yelled.
🙌✨⛓️💥💕💃
"I was a stranger so you lightly electrocuted me for walking too close to your fence.” English suburban life in a nutshell and all recorded on Ring doorbells. We do not have ICE over here but loving behaviour towards refugees and immigrants can still be in short supply.