The Council of Nicaea: The First Cage Match

Where Doctrine Got Dropkicked and Bishops Got Body-Slammed

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🛑 SATIRE ALERT 🛑
This post contains historical nonsense, theological slapstick, and deeply irreverent depictions of saints behaving badly. If you're here for accuracy, coherence, or respectful discourse—congratulations, you’ve arrived 1,700 years too late. But if you’re ready for Arius with jazz hands, St. Nicholas throwing holy punches, and Constantine wondering why he didn’t just fake his own death—welcome home.

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Constantine realizing theology takes longer than conquering Gaul.

Setting: A Roman villa forcibly converted into a theological Thunderdome. Drapes smell like frankincense and unresolved trauma. Doves are circling overhead. Or possibly vultures. No one’s checked.

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ACT ONE: Welcome to the Heresy Smackdown

Emperor Constantine enters to thunderous pipe organ music and mild applause from exhausted bishops in oversized miters. He’s wearing a bedazzled purple cape, holding a massive hourglass filled with glitter sand.

“Greetings, divine thought-havers. Today, we answer the question tearing this empire—and my inbox—apart: Is Jesus homoousios (of the same essence as God) or homoiousios (suspiciously Jesus-adjacent)?”

A monk faints before he finishes the sentence.
GONG.
Another monk faints in sympathy.

Constantine turns to his secretary.

“Add more fainting couches. And fewer vowels next time.”

ACT TWO: Arius the Showman

Arius—lean, angular, and wearing a tunic that screams "I own too many scrolls"—steps forward. He clears his throat and launches into a heretical musical number that should’ve been left in rehearsal.

🎵 “There was a time when He was not…” 🎵
🎵 “God made the Logos, gave Him a plot—” 🎵
🎵 “He’s divine-ish, just not quite hot.” 🎵

A lone tambourine shakes in the back.
A pair of bishops boo in Greek.
Someone throws a candelabra.

St. Nicholas (yes, the future Santa) leaps from his seat and slaps Arius mid-verse. The hall gasps. Someone whispers, “Ho ho holy crap.”

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ACT THREE: Monastic Anger Management

Guards drag St. Nicholas out, muttering Latin curses and candy-cane shaped threats. Constantine sighs and hands him a papyrus scroll.

“Dear Nicholas, you are hereby enrolled in the Monastic Anger Management program. Today's session: ‘How to Forgive Without Punching.’”

Nicholas grumbles, “I didn’t punch. I slapped. With pastoral love.”
He’s escorted out to the sound of distant caroling.

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ACT FOUR: Athanasius Drops the Creed Hammer

Enter young Athanasius, a theological firecracker in a toga three sizes too big. He steps into the debate ring with a swagger only possessed by men who haven’t slept in three days and still think they’re right.

He clears his throat.

“Brothers. If Christ is like God, then so is my cousin Lucius, and he once tried to exorcise a fig tree.”

Crowd erupts.
One bishop cries.
A squirrel in the rafters converts to orthodoxy.

Athanasius continues:

“If Jesus isn’t fully God, then neither is salvation. And frankly, I didn’t skip goat racing day for this nonsense.”

He flips a scroll. People lose it.

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ACT FIVE: Constantine’s Patience Wears Thin

It’s Day Four. The hourglass is now glued upside down. Constantine is drinking communion wine straight from the chalice.

“Let’s wrap this up before someone declares the Holy Spirit a metaphor for good vibes.”

He suggests a vote.
Three bishops are still trying to understand what “essence” means.
One suggests a compromise: “What if Jesus is like God on weekends?”

GONG.
Another monk faints.

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ACT SIX: The Final Vote

After ten rounds of shouting, five unintentional fasts, and one spontaneous group hug that ended in suspicion, the bishops take a final vote.

“Jesus is homoousios—of the same essence as the Father. Co-eternal. Co-divine. Not God Lite™.”

Cheers. Chanting. One man tries to speak in tongues but accidentally recites a bakery menu.

Arius is officially condemned, but his fan club in Alexandria prints bootleg scrolls with catchy heresies for years.

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EPILOGUE: Aftermath

• St. Nicholas completes his anger management and opens a monastery gift shop. His brand thrives during winter solstice.

• Athanasius becomes Bishop of Alexandria, unofficial MVP of the council, and eventually gets exiled five times for being a theological overachiever.

• Arius tries to launch a second tour, "The Logos Was Not That Deep," but is banned from every synagogue, temple, and tavern within 500 miles.

• Constantine swears never to host another theological summit. He goes on to invent “Mute All” for future councils.

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Moral of the Story:

Never ask 300 bishops to define a word that doesn’t exist in Aramaic.
Also, never trust a monk who brings a tambourine to a debate.

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