Ready to heal others before healing yourself? Join the Spiritual Trauma Certification Weekend™ — a 3-day crash course in monetizing your shadow, crying on Zoom, and pretending your inner child is your business partner. Includes meditations like “Womb Regression via Wi-Fi” and a free laminated soul contract. Because who needs integration when you’ve got Instagram?
OMG reading sentence two of the first paragraph (after SATIRE ALERT) & just spit out my veggie burger laffing so hard (“i see you”). I will never eat while reading something with a satire alert on it again. Will finish reading when i finish eating & it’s safe. 😂
I’m pretty sure I’m running a karma deficit, so thanks for the help. A used copy of Cynthia Bourgeault’s book, the Heart of Centering Prayer, Nondual Christianity in Theory and Practice, recently came in the mail. You triggered my used book addiction and now I have to withdraw from a shocking number of hours spent daily on political drama and find out if I can still read a book. 📖
Yes, “back to the womb”™—now with deluxe regression package and trauma-informed amniotic sound bath!
Next up? A third-eye C-section experience where you're rebirthed into your divine niche market. Comes with a free umbilical crystal and a coupon for 20% off inner child merch.
Your LOL is duly noted in the monastery scrolls under Sacred Snort of Recognition.
Right this way, beloved seeker of sanctified absurdity! Just follow the scent of palo santo and desperation until you reach the kiosk labeled “Enlightenment—Now With Payment Plans!”
We accept all major credit cards, unhealed inner child tears, and proof of spiritual superiority via Instagram.
Welcome aboard. Your branded robe and bonus karma points are in the mail.
Bless your radiant soul and your exquisite taste in divine mischief.
May the celestial accountants overlook the incense you accidentally knocked over in 2003 and upgrade your bonus karma points to platinum tier. Includes unlimited grace refills and one cosmic dance party, valid in this realm or the next.
And I just found my lost keys!!! In the LAST place I thot to look. So sacred satire gets credit for that. I hope they had a fun adventure sleeping on the ledge for 2 nites above the mother nature strewn steps down to the "basement" aka tornado shelter with a sump pump surrounded by mostly crawl space. I do not even remember going down there after moving the car Friday nite, only hanging VMB up on the phone pole at the street.
I think they felt safe running away after that. I was struck like a stone statue made of eternal gratitude when I found them today. I had declared it was a waste of time & stated out loud, "this is it, up to you now, I surrender".
Beth Ann, this is precisely why Virgin Monk Boy includes a hidden Locate Lost Objects feature in every post. It’s buried between the satire and the sacrament, right next to the frequency only squirrels and angels can hear.
Your keys clearly needed a retreat. Two nights on a ledge above the Nature-Kissed NetherRealm of the sump pump? That’s basically a vision quest. They communed with the crawlers, faced the abyss, and emerged ready to rejoin the wheel of karma.
And you, dear Oracle of the Phone Pole, performed the sacred rite of surrender. You released the grip. You spoke the words. The cosmos responded.
Never doubt the magic that happens when you stop looking and start letting.
Sacred satire: 1
Lost-and-found gods of domestic liminality: also 1
ROFLM Sacred Donkey Off! X-D I was wondering about that; nice to know it's included with the rest! :D
So, the animus/anima of the object responds to the vibrations exuded from the feature, which re-absorbs the frequencies and emits them to the subconscious of the "owner" of the item, when the item is ready to be found again? :)
May the kami of the keys find a place of peace when the lock they fit no longer exists on this plane, like the kami of sewing needles that had spent their existence in service to humanity. :)
Ah yes, the bonus karma points—redeemable anywhere spiritual bypassing is sold!
Tempting indeed. But remember, for every 10 karma points you earn, you also get one free existential crisis and a coupon for half off your next incarnation. (Offer void where awakening has already occurred.)
Welcome to the monastery where the only thing more inflated than the ego is the price of enlightenment.
Well easy to say trust divine timing - harder for me to have faith in it. The keys hid from Friday nite till this morning. After starting my day laffing so hard at VMB’s first column (i ignored the SATIRE ALERT warning) & spitting out my veggie burger (eat & read at the same time), I wandered out into back yard & for some strange reason down the bumpy cement stairs to the storm cellar “basement”, a tiny room with a sump pump surrounded by crawl space. After a peek, walked out & there they were - just lounging on the rough rock top of the wall outside like it was their new home. I do not even remember coming near that side of the house since I moved the car Friday so either they or I were in a trance & blame the veggie burger lol.
Strange things happen in this world….will send prayers for whatever moving news is best for you. Getting my pacemaker this Friday unless the keys once again misbehave haha 😂
That means way more than the world to me (as the clichè goes). Itz a 10:30 to 5:30 adventure - thank the Divine Spirit of Caffeine that they let me have coffee in the morning (but just black, I will cry as I miss creamer BUT would be cancelling if they didn't allow any water or coffee prior to. Doctor Patel plays with my 🩶 from 1:30 to 3:30. Wish they filmed it so I could watch later! 📽️
But no ☹️. Can't drive for a week - hardest part will be not lifting my left arm above my shoulder for 2 weeks. Should have someone tape it to my side lol.
Young guy at last visit was showing me the pacemaker I'm getting. “Itz dual chamber!” He said enthusiastically, then with wonder, “& the battery lasts 10 yrs!”. I ALMOST said, “if I keep feeling the way I do every day now, I have NO desire to live that long” but miraculously my guardian angel glued my lips shut & pulled them into a smile.
Gamma knife surgery 3 yrs ago was so much easier. No skin cutting, no blood, no knockout drugs. Just a mild trance while they fired gamma rays into my head to stop the nerve pain. I was hoping to become the Hulkette but another dream dashed. And it didn't work cause I have atypical trigeminal neuralgia they discovered later.
TMI I know - bless you for your blessings & maybe pacemaker will make me less loquacious aka gabby blabbermouth etc 🥰 💝
Oh, I had been hoping to find a true calling in my retirement, that could also pay for goodies for the grandkids! Who knew it was nestled waiting in my trauma! I'll start with the 13 staples I had put in my scalp last summer after a SAINT Bernard tried to eat my head. SACRED NUMBER 13, DELIVERED BY A SAINT! The sign couldn't have been clearer. Time to monetize!
Scalp cracked open by a literal Saint, branded with 13 sacred sutures—AND you walked away with a business plan? That’s not trauma, darling. That’s divine market positioning.
The angels weep. Not from pity, but from envy at your branding strategy.
Monetize that head wound! Launch a webinar: “Crown Chakra Activation via Dog Mauling: A Path to Prosperity.” Bonus karma points if the grandkids design your logo.
The monastery is in awe. Also mildly concerned. But mostly in awe.
Kelly Thompson, Patron Saint of Knowing the Hustle from the Holy—
If your viral take scorched the wellness-industrial altar, then I’m just here fanning the flames with a lavender-scented fan made from expired yoga mats.
Your blessing is received and canonized. May your satire remain sharp, your humor heretical, and your discernment immune to MLM oils.
Let the saints who see through the spectacle keep shouting it:
There’s nothing wrong with you…
Except maybe signing up for another $997 “womb reclamation” course.
🎯Well VMB, you’ve clearly been taking detailed notes since my kombucha injury era. I hereby name you Chief Archivist of My Journey from Accidental Pyramid Schemes to There’s Nothing Wrong With Us (And Never Was). Your memory is both impressive and slightly concerning. 😉🕯️
It is an honor to accept the title of Chief Archivist of your kombucha-stained chronicles and pyramid-adjacent awakenings. I’ve filed everything alphabetically under “S” for Sacred Hilarity and “K” for Karma Points Not Redeemable at Checkout.
Somewhere between your candlelit exodus from crystal-scented capitalism and your bold declaration that there’s nothing wrong with us, you carved out a new beatitude. Blessed are the deprogrammed, for they shall inherit their agency.
And don’t worry—my memory is only concerning if you’ve ever taught a cacao ceremony where the cacao was… Nestlé.
Amen to “Blessed are the deprogrammed, for they shall inherit their agency.” And I bow to your filing system. See you at the Mount of Beatitudes. I’ll bring the water. You can make the wine.
That was hilarious but sad at the same time! Years back I had a friend/fellow student that got into something called "the Landmark Forum" that was supposed to cure all our trauma (which...I didn't know I had?) & fix whatever else was "wrong" with us. She tried to recruit everyone else in the Druid grove we were in, but we all smelled the snake oil.
White Squirrel, Landmark Forum has the same energy as a monk selling “instant enlightenment” behind the monastery gift shop. They promise to fix what’s “wrong” with you, which is a clever way of creating the wound they claim to heal. Good on your Druid grove for keeping your noses sharp. Not every invitation to “transformation” is holy. Some are just hustle with incense.
OMG reading sentence two of the first paragraph (after SATIRE ALERT) & just spit out my veggie burger laffing so hard (“i see you”). I will never eat while reading something with a satire alert on it again. Will finish reading when i finish eating & it’s safe. 😂
Beth Ann, your veggie burger just achieved enlightenment. It left the body laughing and ascended directly into the Realm of the Chuckle-Bodied Saints.
Next time, consider fasting before feasting on sacred satire. Virgin Monk Boy is not liable for any beverages expelled through the nose.
Read wisely. Chew thoroughly. Laugh eternally.
“You don’t have to be healed, you just have to be branded.”
Q1. Does it hurt?
Q2. Ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa!
Q1: Only if you still have nerve endings in your discernment.
Q2: That laugh just got you ten bonus karma points and a complimentary tote bag that says “Namaste, but Make It Capitalist.”
You saw it. You named it. You laughed in the face of the Healing-Industrial Complex. That makes you a certified practitioner of Holy Sh*t Detection.
The monastery salutes you—with incense made of expired essential oils and a side-eye from Saint Snark.
I’m pretty sure I’m running a karma deficit, so thanks for the help. A used copy of Cynthia Bourgeault’s book, the Heart of Centering Prayer, Nondual Christianity in Theory and Practice, recently came in the mail. You triggered my used book addiction and now I have to withdraw from a shocking number of hours spent daily on political drama and find out if I can still read a book. 📖
Maybe 🤔 it will have a calming effect…
Outstanding - back to the womb. What will they think of next.
Lol
Yes, “back to the womb”™—now with deluxe regression package and trauma-informed amniotic sound bath!
Next up? A third-eye C-section experience where you're rebirthed into your divine niche market. Comes with a free umbilical crystal and a coupon for 20% off inner child merch.
Your LOL is duly noted in the monastery scrolls under Sacred Snort of Recognition.
Where do I sign up?! 😂😹
Right this way, beloved seeker of sanctified absurdity! Just follow the scent of palo santo and desperation until you reach the kiosk labeled “Enlightenment—Now With Payment Plans!”
We accept all major credit cards, unhealed inner child tears, and proof of spiritual superiority via Instagram.
Welcome aboard. Your branded robe and bonus karma points are in the mail.
Hilarious, VMB! I love it. Need me some « bonus karma points », for reals!
Ah, Sharon,
Bless your radiant soul and your exquisite taste in divine mischief.
May the celestial accountants overlook the incense you accidentally knocked over in 2003 and upgrade your bonus karma points to platinum tier. Includes unlimited grace refills and one cosmic dance party, valid in this realm or the next.
Keep laughing. It terrifies the gatekeepers.
Thank you!
Spirit is divine love, created us perfectly and has an awesome sense of humor! He/she definitely does not want us to take ourselves too seriously.
I will laugh all the way to my grave!
Thank you for all you do—especially leading us in divine laughter! 🙏🏻🙏🏻
And I just found my lost keys!!! In the LAST place I thot to look. So sacred satire gets credit for that. I hope they had a fun adventure sleeping on the ledge for 2 nites above the mother nature strewn steps down to the "basement" aka tornado shelter with a sump pump surrounded by mostly crawl space. I do not even remember going down there after moving the car Friday nite, only hanging VMB up on the phone pole at the street.
I think they felt safe running away after that. I was struck like a stone statue made of eternal gratitude when I found them today. I had declared it was a waste of time & stated out loud, "this is it, up to you now, I surrender".
And so did they lol 🙏
🔑🗝️🔓
Beth Ann, this is precisely why Virgin Monk Boy includes a hidden Locate Lost Objects feature in every post. It’s buried between the satire and the sacrament, right next to the frequency only squirrels and angels can hear.
Your keys clearly needed a retreat. Two nights on a ledge above the Nature-Kissed NetherRealm of the sump pump? That’s basically a vision quest. They communed with the crawlers, faced the abyss, and emerged ready to rejoin the wheel of karma.
And you, dear Oracle of the Phone Pole, performed the sacred rite of surrender. You released the grip. You spoke the words. The cosmos responded.
Never doubt the magic that happens when you stop looking and start letting.
Sacred satire: 1
Lost-and-found gods of domestic liminality: also 1
Everyone wins.
ROFLM Sacred Donkey Off! X-D I was wondering about that; nice to know it's included with the rest! :D
So, the animus/anima of the object responds to the vibrations exuded from the feature, which re-absorbs the frequencies and emits them to the subconscious of the "owner" of the item, when the item is ready to be found again? :)
May the kami of the keys find a place of peace when the lock they fit no longer exists on this plane, like the kami of sewing needles that had spent their existence in service to humanity. :)
Sounds pretty tempting, especially the bonus karma points! 🤓
Ah yes, the bonus karma points—redeemable anywhere spiritual bypassing is sold!
Tempting indeed. But remember, for every 10 karma points you earn, you also get one free existential crisis and a coupon for half off your next incarnation. (Offer void where awakening has already occurred.)
Welcome to the monastery where the only thing more inflated than the ego is the price of enlightenment.
Oh no — too funny! 🥸 Better be careful what I wish for!🧞♀️
Karen did you hear I found my keys? Or rather they found me! So grateful for your faith in that & hope you get good moving news tomorrow!!
Yay! The keys reappeareth!!! We give thanks to the patron saint of lost keys. Well, this made my whole day! 🎉
Not-so-great moving news: the soonest any interstate movers can move my stuff is 3 weeks! That’s OK, no need to hurry. 🐌
Well easy to say trust divine timing - harder for me to have faith in it. The keys hid from Friday nite till this morning. After starting my day laffing so hard at VMB’s first column (i ignored the SATIRE ALERT warning) & spitting out my veggie burger (eat & read at the same time), I wandered out into back yard & for some strange reason down the bumpy cement stairs to the storm cellar “basement”, a tiny room with a sump pump surrounded by crawl space. After a peek, walked out & there they were - just lounging on the rough rock top of the wall outside like it was their new home. I do not even remember coming near that side of the house since I moved the car Friday so either they or I were in a trance & blame the veggie burger lol.
Strange things happen in this world….will send prayers for whatever moving news is best for you. Getting my pacemaker this Friday unless the keys once again misbehave haha 😂
Real thoughts & prayers: on Friday, I’ll be thinking of you & praying for you. 🙏 I hope everything goes well.
That means way more than the world to me (as the clichè goes). Itz a 10:30 to 5:30 adventure - thank the Divine Spirit of Caffeine that they let me have coffee in the morning (but just black, I will cry as I miss creamer BUT would be cancelling if they didn't allow any water or coffee prior to. Doctor Patel plays with my 🩶 from 1:30 to 3:30. Wish they filmed it so I could watch later! 📽️
But no ☹️. Can't drive for a week - hardest part will be not lifting my left arm above my shoulder for 2 weeks. Should have someone tape it to my side lol.
Young guy at last visit was showing me the pacemaker I'm getting. “Itz dual chamber!” He said enthusiastically, then with wonder, “& the battery lasts 10 yrs!”. I ALMOST said, “if I keep feeling the way I do every day now, I have NO desire to live that long” but miraculously my guardian angel glued my lips shut & pulled them into a smile.
Gamma knife surgery 3 yrs ago was so much easier. No skin cutting, no blood, no knockout drugs. Just a mild trance while they fired gamma rays into my head to stop the nerve pain. I was hoping to become the Hulkette but another dream dashed. And it didn't work cause I have atypical trigeminal neuralgia they discovered later.
TMI I know - bless you for your blessings & maybe pacemaker will make me less loquacious aka gabby blabbermouth etc 🥰 💝
You’re great just as you are, Beth! You don’t have to change unless it’s a change you want. 🦋 After your surgery, give yourself lots of R & R, OK?🍵
Virgin Monk Boy indeed sees everything..
👍
Oh, I had been hoping to find a true calling in my retirement, that could also pay for goodies for the grandkids! Who knew it was nestled waiting in my trauma! I'll start with the 13 staples I had put in my scalp last summer after a SAINT Bernard tried to eat my head. SACRED NUMBER 13, DELIVERED BY A SAINT! The sign couldn't have been clearer. Time to monetize!
Now that’s a calling if I’ve ever heard one:
Scalp cracked open by a literal Saint, branded with 13 sacred sutures—AND you walked away with a business plan? That’s not trauma, darling. That’s divine market positioning.
The angels weep. Not from pity, but from envy at your branding strategy.
Monetize that head wound! Launch a webinar: “Crown Chakra Activation via Dog Mauling: A Path to Prosperity.” Bonus karma points if the grandkids design your logo.
The monastery is in awe. Also mildly concerned. But mostly in awe.
Haha reminds me of my viral take on the wellness industry. 🤣well done 👌🏼 —Signed, The Patron Saint
Kelly Thompson, Patron Saint of Knowing the Hustle from the Holy—
If your viral take scorched the wellness-industrial altar, then I’m just here fanning the flames with a lavender-scented fan made from expired yoga mats.
Your blessing is received and canonized. May your satire remain sharp, your humor heretical, and your discernment immune to MLM oils.
Let the saints who see through the spectacle keep shouting it:
There’s nothing wrong with you…
Except maybe signing up for another $997 “womb reclamation” course.
🎯Well VMB, you’ve clearly been taking detailed notes since my kombucha injury era. I hereby name you Chief Archivist of My Journey from Accidental Pyramid Schemes to There’s Nothing Wrong With Us (And Never Was). Your memory is both impressive and slightly concerning. 😉🕯️
Kelly,
It is an honor to accept the title of Chief Archivist of your kombucha-stained chronicles and pyramid-adjacent awakenings. I’ve filed everything alphabetically under “S” for Sacred Hilarity and “K” for Karma Points Not Redeemable at Checkout.
Somewhere between your candlelit exodus from crystal-scented capitalism and your bold declaration that there’s nothing wrong with us, you carved out a new beatitude. Blessed are the deprogrammed, for they shall inherit their agency.
And don’t worry—my memory is only concerning if you’ve ever taught a cacao ceremony where the cacao was… Nestlé.
With reverence, receipts, and a dash of rosemary,
Amen to “Blessed are the deprogrammed, for they shall inherit their agency.” And I bow to your filing system. See you at the Mount of Beatitudes. I’ll bring the water. You can make the wine.
Fucking brilliant
High praise from a sacred scriptorium! You just anointed this scroll with the holiest of four-letter benedictions.
May your scribes keep cursing beautifully, your satire stay sanctified, and your gospel be too wild for canon.
,
You get big credit Karen for assuring me they'd show up 🫂
That was hilarious but sad at the same time! Years back I had a friend/fellow student that got into something called "the Landmark Forum" that was supposed to cure all our trauma (which...I didn't know I had?) & fix whatever else was "wrong" with us. She tried to recruit everyone else in the Druid grove we were in, but we all smelled the snake oil.
White Squirrel, Landmark Forum has the same energy as a monk selling “instant enlightenment” behind the monastery gift shop. They promise to fix what’s “wrong” with you, which is a clever way of creating the wound they claim to heal. Good on your Druid grove for keeping your noses sharp. Not every invitation to “transformation” is holy. Some are just hustle with incense.