⏳ Psalm 13: How Long, O Presence?
retransmitted by Virgin Monk Boy sometime between 2 and 4 AM with a blanket over his head and the ache still echoing
1
How long, O Presence
will You forget me?
Not in theory
but in this room
where I keep waking up afraid
Will You hide forever
behind silence that used to comfort
and now just rings like absence?
2
How long must I wrestle my own mind
while grief holds a residency in my chest?
How long will the loud ones keep winning
while the tender ones are told to wait?
3
Look at me
not with lightning
just with kindness
I am unraveling
and the night is too long
Give light to my eyes
so I can remember what hope feels like
4
I do not want despair
to have the last word
to dance over me
and call it victory
5
But I have trusted
not always gladly
sometimes only out of habit
but still
I have trusted in Your Love
6
And even now
with nothing resolved
I will sing
Because You have been good
Not always obvious
Not always on my timeline
But good
still
—Virgin Monk Boy
(who stopped waiting for tidy endings
and started calling his survival a hymn)
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🕉️To the family of Brother A/Sister R, otherwise known as “Virgin Monk Boy,” who may or may not also be collaborating on the writing, Mary Magdalene knows that Psalm 13 is very sad, but trusts that “the gospel practically writes itself” — she sends her blessings for much happiness.🕊️
I was drinking coffee & eating a larabar for breakfast when Psalm 13 appears. One of my favorite numbers. The picture broke my heart - warning flag - but i kept going, started reading. Immediately i know these words, have asked these questions. And didn’t get far, when i read “grief holds a residency in my chest”. i started crying & i stopped & went to take a shower. Came back & tried again & the same thing happened so i stopped & went to get dressed for a doctor’s appt & third times a charm - those words just opened the door for the grief to let go & let me sob wondering WHY am i crying over this one phrase? Is it that simple, grief is holding residency there in my chest & I’m just ignoring it? I left for the doctors & on the way the lighting bulb went off. The appt was for a device check of the pacemaker i just got 5 weeks ago. In my chest. So many tears - pain - struggles attached to that.
I read the rest of the psalm in the corner of the waiting room, didn’t get to finish it but i will later tonite. I indulged in my bad habit of peeking at the end & i can say I wouldn’t know a tidy ending if i ran over one & seeing survival as a hymn is so holy.
This is such a brutal blessing of truth 🙏❤️🩹 TY
And i honestly don’t know if I’ve ever been raveled. 😶🌫️