Paul, Mary Magdalene, and Elijah Visit a Megachurch
They came looking for Presence. They found fog machines.
🚨 SATIRE ALERT 🚨
This is a work of sacred satire. If you're unsure whether to laugh, weep, or write a stern email—do all three. The saints are used to it.
They arrived like misplaced relics. No one noticed.
Paul adjusted his tunic and glanced around the foyer. Flat screens everywhere. People holding lattes and wearing lanyards that said “I’m on Fire for Jesus.”
“Is this the outer court?” Paul asked.
“No,” said Mary Magdalene, scanning the crowd. “This is the merchandise table.”
Elijah squinted. A child handed him a glow stick. He crushed it in one hand and muttered something in Hebrew that made the coffee machines shudder.
They entered the sanctuary just as the lights dimmed.
Where Smoke Replaces Incense
The fog machines hissed. Lasers pierced the darkness. A man in ripped jeans yelled, “Y’all ready to PRAISE?!”
Mary flinched.
Paul leaned in. “Are we under attack?”
“This isn’t incense,” Elijah growled. “This is smoke without sacrifice.”
The band launched into a song with lyrics projected on giant LED screens: “I set fire to my fear / 'Cause Jesus is my hype man!”
Elijah stood. “This is not a psalm. This is karaoke in tongues.”
He pulled his cloak tighter. The fog parted.
Behind them, a row of congregants filmed everything on their phones. One whispered, "I love when the Spirit drops during the bridge."
Mary closed her eyes. She could still hear the silence of the tomb. And this—this wasn't it.
Paul flipped through the program. “Where are the readings?”
A greeter smiled at him. “We project everything now. Way more accessible!”
Paul nodded. "And yet somehow, less understood."
The Gospel According to Pastor Chad
Pastor Chad appeared on stage, teeth glowing like the Shekinah. His voice boomed through a wireless headset mic.
“Today we’re in week five of our series, Hot & Holy: Dating with the Spirit.”
The crowd whooped. A slide behind him read: Swipe Right on Jesus.
Mary looked like she might weep. Paul looked like he might vomit.
Chad continued: “In the original Hebrew, the word 'blessed' means you’re totally vibing with God’s energy.”
Elijah stood again. “SHOW ME THE SCROLL.”
Chad laughed. “Okay boomer prophet.”
Security approached. Paul held them off by reciting the Beatitudes in Greek until their AirPods disconnected.
One usher tried to bless Elijah with scented oil. Elijah batted the bottle away and shouted, “If your fire comes in a diffuser, I want no part of it!”
Mary had already walked out. She wandered into the lobby and found the café. The barista wore a shirt that read Decaf for the Lord.
Mary asked gently, “Have you ever heard silence so deep it breaks your name open?”
The barista blinked. “Uh... I think that’s our Tuesday night yoga.”
Mary sat anyway and began telling her the real story. About gardens. About graves. About seeing the Teacher when everyone else had given up.
Three Prophets Walk Out of a Sanctuary
Outside, they stood in silence.
“They have branding,” Paul said, “but no Body.”
Elijah stared at a banner that read Holy Fire Conference 2025.
“They have fire,” he said, “but it’s battery-powered.”
Mary looked back at the church.
“We found him in gardens and graves,” she said. “And somehow they lost him in the spotlight.”
A woman walking past overheard and paused.
“Are y’all guest speakers?” she asked. “The pastor said next week we’re getting someone from Israel to do a reenactment of the crucifixion—with sound effects and stuff.”
Mary turned and met her eyes. “We’re not the reenactment. We’re the reason it happened.”
The woman nodded like she didn’t understand but felt something stir. She walked off clutching her free espresso voucher.
Virgin Monk Boy, watching from a distance, mutters:
“They built a vibe and called it Presence. They mistook volume for holiness. They replaced the burning bush with a fog machine.
And they wonder why no one listens to the still, small voice anymore.”
He lights a candle.
Not to summon. Just to remember.
If this post shook something loose, poured some wine in your cracked chalice, or made your inner heretic cheer—hit the share button, toss a coin to your scribal witch, or subscribe for more scrolls from the margins.
So very true. "We found him in the gardens...they lost him in the spotlight." If that's not scripture, it should be. Funny story - one of the Rock-n-Roll mega churches here is located next door to the liquor store. The liquor store complains about the church disturbing the peace. Ohio is wild, y'all.
Satire yes! Exposing the truth? Bigger yes.