Three ancient prophets walk into a modern megachurch.Paul’s confused, Elijah’s furious, and Mary Magdalene walks out before the sermon ends.They came for Presence—and found a branding campaign.
So very true. "We found him in the gardens...they lost him in the spotlight." If that's not scripture, it should be. Funny story - one of the Rock-n-Roll mega churches here is located next door to the liquor store. The liquor store complains about the church disturbing the peace. Ohio is wild, y'all.
That is scripture now. You spoke it, so it stands.
And the liquor store complaining about the church? That’s the whole Gospel of Irony in one scene. I bet Mary Magdalene is parked in between the two, sipping something sacred and side-eyeing the sermon through tinted windows.
Ohio, bless it. The veil is thin and the soundcheck is loud.
Isn't it perfect? It's been such a long time since I thought of religion and the characters in the bible as anything other than antagonists. Jesus and I had a little falling out when my son died. We've been waving at each other here and there...but Virgin Monk Boy is going to force us to come to an understanding. Perhaps I expected too much from those sent to teach and not perform magic tricks for me? Or maybe I'm finally, finally able to hear Mary Magdalene whispering words of wisdom? Maybe I'm finally experiencing a psychotic break of epic proportions. Whatever it is, this line is epic and should be celebrated.
Wendy- I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I can’t even imagine the pain and completely understand your falling out with Jesus! I have a very dear elderly friend who grew up in the church and believed all she was taught, as many of us did. She loves children and passed along all that she understood as truth. Now she’s 92 and facing declining health and moving from her home of 70 years to an assisted living facility. She just cannot find the hope, the healing and the peace she always believed in. She is the sweetest and kindest person I know and , as I wrestle with my own understanding of God and Christ, I struggle to find words of encouragement and hope for her. I hope to find a way to share the new hope I’ve found both through deconstruction and through Magdalene. I have to tread carefully. She’s not up to having all she’s ever believed be torn apart. But shining a light on some of her darkness through new ways of looking might give her back that joyful spirit she’s always had! Virgin Monk Boy and Joe Boyd, among others have certainly been a light for my darkness!
Haven’t lived there since 1985 but born & raised there for 30 years, siblings still there so yeah - ohio IS wild, y’all lol. But now I live in Georgia which is just as wild but in a different way.
Fun fact: I was born and raised in Georgia. Hahaaa...came into this world at Grady Hospital and it hasn't gotten much better since. I'M JOKING! A lot of my family is still in Warner Robins. We lived around military bases my whole life. My mom was civil service.
Glad you’re joking but it did make me laff, entering the world at Grady 😆
i entered the world in Springfield Ohio, you know, the place where the Haitians kill & eat the people’s pet dogs & cats? i almost threw my remote at the tv when I heard that - my parents & grandparents all buried there & those people have had struggles in that town that had nothing to do with pets being stolen, the Haitians were invited there to help the job infrastructure. (consider the source but still hurt my heart). it was NOT a bad place to grow up except too cold for me in the winter (anything below 60 is too cold for me lol)
"They built a vibe and called it presence," is a perfect description. I never went to a mega church but decades ago i tried out one everyone was raving about... my thought was, they think they're feeling God but what they're feeling is the vibration of the band's music through the speakers.
Anya, you didn’t miss God. You just didn’t confuse the dopamine for the divine.
“They built a vibe and called it presence.” Meanwhile, the still small voice slipped out the side door with Elijah, muttering, “I told y’all I wasn’t in the smoke machine.”
Reminds me of the /Second Coming/ collected comic by Ahoy Press (written by Mark Russell; highly recommended!); at one point, the "ChristWay" bunch wanted to "hire" Him in the modern era: "To be honest, your message is a little /raw/, and the look is a little /crunchy/, but we can work with that. ... Once we give you a makeover and punch up your scripts, I see you making mad bills, bro."
I’m thankful that you closed with the sweet, sweet stillness of peace, VMB. But I was smiling and chuckling during your mega church scene. I’ve only visited those a time or two with family. I just don’t believe in working one’s self up like that.
You caught the current exactly. The chuckles were bait, but the stillness was the catch. Those mega-stages may hype a holy frenzy, but Magdalene found the sacred in silence and the Spirit in the soft places.
You don’t have to work yourself up to be close to God. Sometimes the deepest presence arrives when we stop trying to summon it.
Let’s just say the incense was suspiciously Axe-scented and the communion wafers had a hint of protein powder. Definitely felt like eyewitness testimony.
Brilliantly satirical, yet deeply disturbing. In the smoke and spectacle, the Self is obscured, but not absent. Presence cannot be projected; it must be remembered...
We sure are under attack....
But I completely understand the choice of satire to drive home the point.
VedicSoul, thank you. That’s it exactly. Presence gets drowned out by projection, but it never actually leaves. It waits. Beneath the fog machine and forced smiles.
Satire’s just the fire alarm in a burning sanctuary.
“But the Christians, O King, while they went about and made search, have found the truth; and as we learned from their writings, they have come nearer to truth and genuine knowledge than the rest of the nations. For they know and trust in God, the Creator of heaven and of earth, in whom and from whom are all things, to whom there is no other god as companion, from whom they received commandments which they engraved upon their minds and observe in hope and expectation of the world which is to come. Wherefore they do not commit adultery nor fornication, nor bear false witness, nor embezzle what is held in pledge, nor covet what is not theirs. They honour father and mother, and show kindness to those near to them; and whenever they are judges, they judge uprightly. They do not worship idols (made) in the image of man; and whatsoever they would not that others should do unto them, they do not to others; and of the food which is consecrated to idols they do not eat, for they are pure. And their oppressors they appease (lit: comfort) and make them their friends; they do good to their enemies; and their women, O King, are pure as virgins, and their daughters are modest; and their men keep themselves from every unlawful union and from all uncleanness, in the hope of a recompense to come in the other world. Further, if one or other of them have bondmen and bondwomen or children, through love towards them they persuade them to become Christians, and when they have done so, they call them brethren without distinction. They do not worship strange gods, and they go their way in all modesty and cheerfulness. Falsehood is not found among them; and they love one another, and from widows they do not turn away their esteem; and they deliver the orphan from him who treats him harshly. And he, who has, gives to him who has not, without boasting. And when they see a stranger, they take him in to their homes and rejoice over him as a very brother; for they do not call them brethren after the flesh, but brethren after the spirit and in God. And whenever one of their poor passes from the world, each one of them according to his ability gives heed to him and carefully sees to his burial. And if they hear that one of their number is imprisoned or afflicted on account of the name of their Messiah, all of them anxiously minister to his necessity, and if it is possible to redeem him they set him free. And if there is among them any that is poor and needy, and if they have no spare food, they fast two or three days in order to supply to the needy their lack of food. They observe the precepts of their Messiah with much care, living justly and soberly as the Lord their God commanded them. Every morning and every hour they give thanks and praise to God for His loving-kindnesses toward them; and for their food and their drink they offer thanksgiving to Him. And if any righteous man among them passes from the world, they rejoice and offer thanks to God; and they escort his body as if he were setting out from one place to another near. And when a child has been born to one of them, they give thanks to God; and if moreover it happen to die in childhood, they give thanks to God the more, as for one who has passed through the world without sins. And further if they see that any one of them dies in his ungodliness or in his sins, for him they grieve bitterly, and sorrow as for one who goes to meet his doom.”
This is from the Apology of Aristedes which was used by our preacher on Sunday during her sermon. It represents the early church before Romans got their hands on it and discarded anything that didn’t fit their narrative and hierarchies. And since then, men have used and abused their power to weaponise Christianity and move people to hate, not love and marketed it for the love of money. I was also recently reading about the Jesus Army cult here in the UK and it was horrific. And, not to disrespect your entire gender, it’s almost always men who are the leaders of these “get a spiritual high by purchasing our product” rather than get a spiritual awakening by opening your hearts and minds which costs nothing.
Suze, this is powerful. The Apology of Aristides brings so much clarity to what the early church actually looked like. Before Rome turned it into a control system, before men built hierarchies to protect their status instead of the people.
You’re right about how often it’s men leading these spiritual pyramid schemes. Selling emotion as if it's enlightenment, promising transformation if you just give them your wallet and your trust. It’s not awakening, it’s marketing.
Thank you for sharing this. And thank you for naming what so many of us have felt but didn’t have the words for.
That is definitely what I was trying to say. I have said I don’t believe in coincidences, and that our preacher on Sunday used Aristedes’ words to convey the theme of Transformation and that it so related to your writings about Mary Magdelene, well, it blew my mind. I have yet to interpret what God is saying to me/us - I can speculate that God wants us to return to The Way and love one another - but how we do that, on a global scale - has not yet been revealed.
I'm sort of a pantheist. I read a quote from Frank Lloyd Wright where he called God Nature.
Some people think that identifying as " spiritual but not religious " is a big fat cop out, but I have had my fill of Evangelical Protestantism, merci & danke.
I’d rather be grim-stone than be any part of these organizations. They scream it’s redemption, I call it oppression. They don’t know anything, they think they are saved, I think they are next in line to go to hell. I’d rather use my cauldron than spill my blood and be their martyr. A martyr for what? Their fear of their lord is the reason they don’t have one. All I know is that Trump and MAGA align with these people, people that want to buy bibles from Trump and the imitation gold they are bound with, will never understand what it’s like to have power. I’d rather be dead than lose my abilities. I’d rather be a martyr for my magic than to never have had any at all.
You came in like a righteous thunderstorm, but the piece itself is satire. It's dragging the very system you're rebuking. Paul, Mary, Elijah... it’s not a sermon. It’s a scalpel.
You're not at odds with the post. You're echoing it. Just louder, and with a cauldron.
Still, I get it. When you've been burned by pulpits and patriarchy, even parody can smell like smoke. But this scroll? It’s on your side. Just disguised as holy mischief.
I know, but what I’m saying is that, we on the other side already sit together. It’s the people that think all the religions are at odds with one another. We all agree team ascension is here, and everyone is coming. Even the dark side. And I loved your article.
Generally slow to catch up on the Outside World, even the Catholics are getting mega-churches now. I almost drank that koolade. Pshew! If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been saved by a bell I couldn’t hear, I’d be a millionaire by now.
So very true. "We found him in the gardens...they lost him in the spotlight." If that's not scripture, it should be. Funny story - one of the Rock-n-Roll mega churches here is located next door to the liquor store. The liquor store complains about the church disturbing the peace. Ohio is wild, y'all.
That is scripture now. You spoke it, so it stands.
And the liquor store complaining about the church? That’s the whole Gospel of Irony in one scene. I bet Mary Magdalene is parked in between the two, sipping something sacred and side-eyeing the sermon through tinted windows.
Ohio, bless it. The veil is thin and the soundcheck is loud.
I agree Wendy. That’s the line that really hit me!!
Isn't it perfect? It's been such a long time since I thought of religion and the characters in the bible as anything other than antagonists. Jesus and I had a little falling out when my son died. We've been waving at each other here and there...but Virgin Monk Boy is going to force us to come to an understanding. Perhaps I expected too much from those sent to teach and not perform magic tricks for me? Or maybe I'm finally, finally able to hear Mary Magdalene whispering words of wisdom? Maybe I'm finally experiencing a psychotic break of epic proportions. Whatever it is, this line is epic and should be celebrated.
Wendy- I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I can’t even imagine the pain and completely understand your falling out with Jesus! I have a very dear elderly friend who grew up in the church and believed all she was taught, as many of us did. She loves children and passed along all that she understood as truth. Now she’s 92 and facing declining health and moving from her home of 70 years to an assisted living facility. She just cannot find the hope, the healing and the peace she always believed in. She is the sweetest and kindest person I know and , as I wrestle with my own understanding of God and Christ, I struggle to find words of encouragement and hope for her. I hope to find a way to share the new hope I’ve found both through deconstruction and through Magdalene. I have to tread carefully. She’s not up to having all she’s ever believed be torn apart. But shining a light on some of her darkness through new ways of looking might give her back that joyful spirit she’s always had! Virgin Monk Boy and Joe Boyd, among others have certainly been a light for my darkness!
Haven’t lived there since 1985 but born & raised there for 30 years, siblings still there so yeah - ohio IS wild, y’all lol. But now I live in Georgia which is just as wild but in a different way.
Fun fact: I was born and raised in Georgia. Hahaaa...came into this world at Grady Hospital and it hasn't gotten much better since. I'M JOKING! A lot of my family is still in Warner Robins. We lived around military bases my whole life. My mom was civil service.
Glad you’re joking but it did make me laff, entering the world at Grady 😆
i entered the world in Springfield Ohio, you know, the place where the Haitians kill & eat the people’s pet dogs & cats? i almost threw my remote at the tv when I heard that - my parents & grandparents all buried there & those people have had struggles in that town that had nothing to do with pets being stolen, the Haitians were invited there to help the job infrastructure. (consider the source but still hurt my heart). it was NOT a bad place to grow up except too cold for me in the winter (anything below 60 is too cold for me lol)
Satire yes! Exposing the truth? Bigger yes.
Emmy, I bow to your comment like Paul bowed to Mary in the green room—awkwardly, but with awe.
Satire’s just the incense. Truth’s the fire behind it.
If even Elijah’s throwing shade from the back pew, you know the sermon notes are about to combust.
I will also light a candle. Deep sigh.
A candle and a sigh—that’s a whole liturgy right there.
Sometimes the holiest thing we can do is just not look away.
I'm lighting one with you. Same flame, same ache.
I am glad to be in company.
Glow sticks: $5.00
Lattes: $15.00
Pastor Chad: Priceless!
"They built a vibe and called it presence," is a perfect description. I never went to a mega church but decades ago i tried out one everyone was raving about... my thought was, they think they're feeling God but what they're feeling is the vibration of the band's music through the speakers.
Anya, you didn’t miss God. You just didn’t confuse the dopamine for the divine.
“They built a vibe and called it presence.” Meanwhile, the still small voice slipped out the side door with Elijah, muttering, “I told y’all I wasn’t in the smoke machine.”
“If you'd come today you could have reached a whole nation.
Israel in 4 BC had no mass communication …”
🎵🙏🎵 😉
Is that a quote from a song? :)
Reminds me of the /Second Coming/ collected comic by Ahoy Press (written by Mark Russell; highly recommended!); at one point, the "ChristWay" bunch wanted to "hire" Him in the modern era: "To be honest, your message is a little /raw/, and the look is a little /crunchy/, but we can work with that. ... Once we give you a makeover and punch up your scripts, I see you making mad bills, bro."
Needless to say, He turned them down. :)
I’m thankful that you closed with the sweet, sweet stillness of peace, VMB. But I was smiling and chuckling during your mega church scene. I’ve only visited those a time or two with family. I just don’t believe in working one’s self up like that.
Shirley, thank you.
You caught the current exactly. The chuckles were bait, but the stillness was the catch. Those mega-stages may hype a holy frenzy, but Magdalene found the sacred in silence and the Spirit in the soft places.
You don’t have to work yourself up to be close to God. Sometimes the deepest presence arrives when we stop trying to summon it.
Glad you stayed for the stillness.
The funniest comedy is funny because it’s true.
Exactly. Comedy that doesn’t sting a little isn’t prophecy, it’s just stand-up.
This sounds like a true account of an historical event !
Let’s just say the incense was suspiciously Axe-scented and the communion wafers had a hint of protein powder. Definitely felt like eyewitness testimony.
My skin was crawling with the satiric description of what I know actually happens in some churches. I felt the discomfort of the 3. Well written. Oy.
Jane, if your skin crawled, the satire landed. Discomfort’s a holy teacher sometimes. Thanks for sitting with it.
Yes , well said. Discomfort can be a teacher. Like the ones whose classes we tried to get out of.
Brilliantly satirical, yet deeply disturbing. In the smoke and spectacle, the Self is obscured, but not absent. Presence cannot be projected; it must be remembered...
We sure are under attack....
But I completely understand the choice of satire to drive home the point.
Thank you 🙏
VedicSoul, thank you. That’s it exactly. Presence gets drowned out by projection, but it never actually leaves. It waits. Beneath the fog machine and forced smiles.
Satire’s just the fire alarm in a burning sanctuary.
Yes...🙏
“But the Christians, O King, while they went about and made search, have found the truth; and as we learned from their writings, they have come nearer to truth and genuine knowledge than the rest of the nations. For they know and trust in God, the Creator of heaven and of earth, in whom and from whom are all things, to whom there is no other god as companion, from whom they received commandments which they engraved upon their minds and observe in hope and expectation of the world which is to come. Wherefore they do not commit adultery nor fornication, nor bear false witness, nor embezzle what is held in pledge, nor covet what is not theirs. They honour father and mother, and show kindness to those near to them; and whenever they are judges, they judge uprightly. They do not worship idols (made) in the image of man; and whatsoever they would not that others should do unto them, they do not to others; and of the food which is consecrated to idols they do not eat, for they are pure. And their oppressors they appease (lit: comfort) and make them their friends; they do good to their enemies; and their women, O King, are pure as virgins, and their daughters are modest; and their men keep themselves from every unlawful union and from all uncleanness, in the hope of a recompense to come in the other world. Further, if one or other of them have bondmen and bondwomen or children, through love towards them they persuade them to become Christians, and when they have done so, they call them brethren without distinction. They do not worship strange gods, and they go their way in all modesty and cheerfulness. Falsehood is not found among them; and they love one another, and from widows they do not turn away their esteem; and they deliver the orphan from him who treats him harshly. And he, who has, gives to him who has not, without boasting. And when they see a stranger, they take him in to their homes and rejoice over him as a very brother; for they do not call them brethren after the flesh, but brethren after the spirit and in God. And whenever one of their poor passes from the world, each one of them according to his ability gives heed to him and carefully sees to his burial. And if they hear that one of their number is imprisoned or afflicted on account of the name of their Messiah, all of them anxiously minister to his necessity, and if it is possible to redeem him they set him free. And if there is among them any that is poor and needy, and if they have no spare food, they fast two or three days in order to supply to the needy their lack of food. They observe the precepts of their Messiah with much care, living justly and soberly as the Lord their God commanded them. Every morning and every hour they give thanks and praise to God for His loving-kindnesses toward them; and for their food and their drink they offer thanksgiving to Him. And if any righteous man among them passes from the world, they rejoice and offer thanks to God; and they escort his body as if he were setting out from one place to another near. And when a child has been born to one of them, they give thanks to God; and if moreover it happen to die in childhood, they give thanks to God the more, as for one who has passed through the world without sins. And further if they see that any one of them dies in his ungodliness or in his sins, for him they grieve bitterly, and sorrow as for one who goes to meet his doom.”
This is from the Apology of Aristedes which was used by our preacher on Sunday during her sermon. It represents the early church before Romans got their hands on it and discarded anything that didn’t fit their narrative and hierarchies. And since then, men have used and abused their power to weaponise Christianity and move people to hate, not love and marketed it for the love of money. I was also recently reading about the Jesus Army cult here in the UK and it was horrific. And, not to disrespect your entire gender, it’s almost always men who are the leaders of these “get a spiritual high by purchasing our product” rather than get a spiritual awakening by opening your hearts and minds which costs nothing.
Love your writing. Thank you 🙏
Suze, this is powerful. The Apology of Aristides brings so much clarity to what the early church actually looked like. Before Rome turned it into a control system, before men built hierarchies to protect their status instead of the people.
You’re right about how often it’s men leading these spiritual pyramid schemes. Selling emotion as if it's enlightenment, promising transformation if you just give them your wallet and your trust. It’s not awakening, it’s marketing.
Thank you for sharing this. And thank you for naming what so many of us have felt but didn’t have the words for.
That is definitely what I was trying to say. I have said I don’t believe in coincidences, and that our preacher on Sunday used Aristedes’ words to convey the theme of Transformation and that it so related to your writings about Mary Magdelene, well, it blew my mind. I have yet to interpret what God is saying to me/us - I can speculate that God wants us to return to The Way and love one another - but how we do that, on a global scale - has not yet been revealed.
When I step into a megachurch such as this, if there IS a God & he strikes me dead, I might just thank Him / Her / The Almighty Databank.
If that’s how you go out, may it be mid-hymn with lasers overhead and a QR code to heaven flashing behind you.
And honestly? “The Almighty Databank” sounds more accurate than half the sermons. Just pray She’s not running on Windows 95.
I'm sort of a pantheist. I read a quote from Frank Lloyd Wright where he called God Nature.
Some people think that identifying as " spiritual but not religious " is a big fat cop out, but I have had my fill of Evangelical Protestantism, merci & danke.
I’d rather be grim-stone than be any part of these organizations. They scream it’s redemption, I call it oppression. They don’t know anything, they think they are saved, I think they are next in line to go to hell. I’d rather use my cauldron than spill my blood and be their martyr. A martyr for what? Their fear of their lord is the reason they don’t have one. All I know is that Trump and MAGA align with these people, people that want to buy bibles from Trump and the imitation gold they are bound with, will never understand what it’s like to have power. I’d rather be dead than lose my abilities. I’d rather be a martyr for my magic than to never have had any at all.
Oh wow. Aphrodite, did you even read it?
You came in like a righteous thunderstorm, but the piece itself is satire. It's dragging the very system you're rebuking. Paul, Mary, Elijah... it’s not a sermon. It’s a scalpel.
You're not at odds with the post. You're echoing it. Just louder, and with a cauldron.
Still, I get it. When you've been burned by pulpits and patriarchy, even parody can smell like smoke. But this scroll? It’s on your side. Just disguised as holy mischief.
I know, but what I’m saying is that, we on the other side already sit together. It’s the people that think all the religions are at odds with one another. We all agree team ascension is here, and everyone is coming. Even the dark side. And I loved your article.
“They have branding,” Paul said, “but no Body.”
yep. Hit the nail on the head.
Michele, that line landed like scripture scribbled in the margins of a burnt bulletin.
They’ve got logos, lighting cues, and livestreams. But no rupture. No wounds. No bread that breaks anything but attention spans.
Glad it hit. Some truths preach louder when whispered.
Generally slow to catch up on the Outside World, even the Catholics are getting mega-churches now. I almost drank that koolade. Pshew! If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been saved by a bell I couldn’t hear, I’d be a millionaire by now.
https://youtube.com/shorts/2AWdSOByzhg?si=saP17MluJzQ8p3Xd
Dawn Elaine, you just preached a whole sermon in one sentence.
The bell you couldn’t hear... still rang. Still rerouted your soul like a GPS possessed by the Holy Spirit.
And yes—when the incense smells like lavender laundry beads and the priest has a headset mic... we’re already halfway to the fog machine.
Glad you slipped out before the glitter baptism.
‘ If your fire comes in a diffuser I want no part of it ‘
😂🤣🤣
haahaa
why do diffusers feel
oppressive sometimes , like a calm smile at the entrance way to a conference on sound healing
nothing against sound
or healing
or sound healing
but why does
a diffuser go
with an usher whose head is tilted slightly at one angle
while the ( VBM : ‘ neutral linnens )
fill up in
infusement
oh my gosh there has been catharsis over here
at the swift arrows in the
direction of
‘spiritual glow up’s ‘
in your brilliant writing of late.
i may be as evolved as a coat hanger
but these laffs are my secret passage way out of the cupboard in which I spend much time of late
Sophia. You just baptized the diffuser in irony and I’m still wet from the sacrament.
Yes. That usher. The one whose voice has the same frequency as oat milk. Who hands you a “healing crystal” and a waiver.
And the infusement. My God. I thought I was alone in screaming internally at beige altar cloths arranged like trauma never happened.
Coat hanger or not, you cracked open the cupboard. That’s resurrection. Most folks just feng shui the tomb.
Stay wild. Keep laughing. That’s the real passageway.