Horrific Exposure To Gender-Neutral Pronouns Sends Matt Walsh Into 7-Hour Trance Mumbling ‘There Are Only Two...’
Walsh Reportedly Stabilized After Being Shown a Picture of a Nuclear Family Eating Meatloaf
🌀 LITTLE ROCK, AR — Conservative commentator and sentient mustache rash Matt Walsh was rushed to a local Cracker Barrel Wednesday afternoon after reportedly hearing the phrase “they/them” in a Walgreens and immediately entering a catatonic state, whispering “binary or bust” while clutching a Chick-fil-A gift card.
Witnesses say the incident began when a non-binary barista asked Walsh if he wanted oat milk. “He just froze,” said a bystander. “Then he slowly backed away from the counter like it was a trap, whispering something about 'god’s design' and ‘liberal sorcery.’”
🌀 NASHVILLE, TN — Conservative commentator and part-time masculinity archaeologist Matt Walsh was rushed to a local Cracker Barrel Wednesday afternoon after encountering the phrase “they/them” in a Walgreens, where he immediately entered a catatonic trance, whispering “there are only two” in a loop so monotonous it briefly summoned Gregorian monks from the 12th century.
“He just stood there like someone had whispered ‘intersectionality’ directly into his soul,” said Dakota Jennings, Walgreens employee and witness to the incident. “His eyes glazed over. He dropped his Chick-fil-A cup. I asked, ‘Do you need help, sir—or...?’ and that was it. Full neurological crash.”
According to experts, Walsh was exhibiting all the classic symptoms of Pronoun-Induced Existential Dissolution Syndrome (PIEDS)—a disorder primarily affecting pundits who confuse masculinity with Home Depot ads and consider empathy a Marxist plot.
🔥 Emergency Response & Recovery
Walsh was transported to a Bass Pro Shops “Critical Masculinity Unit,” where he was immediately wrapped in a flannel prayer shawl and placed in a recliner beneath a taxidermy elk. Medical staff administered steady audio loops of Joe Rogan whispering "alpha" and Tucker Carlson's laugh slowed to 0.5x speed.
“He began to show signs of cognition when we flashed a picture of a suburban dad grilling meat with sunglasses on,” said Dr. Tasha Rivera. “His lips trembled. He muttered, ‘Traditional… values… brisket…’”
By hour four, someone softly played a cassette of Jordan Peterson reading from 12 Rules for Life, and Walsh blinked three times—once for each gender he acknowledges.
👨👩👧👦 Previous Incidents Include:
Collapsing at Hobby Lobby after misgendering a mannequin.
Fainting into yams at Thanksgiving when his niece introduced her Unitarian saxophonist girlfriend named Skylar.
Filing a noise complaint against a Pride parade because the floats “weren’t straight enough.”
🐦 Digital Incantations From the Church of Binary Hysteria
@benshapiro
“Of course Matt collapsed. The left says gender is a spectrum, but when I turn on a flashlight I don’t see infinite genders, I see LIGHT. Checkmate.”
(28.7K retweets)@jordanbpeterson
“When chaos visits in the form of unanchored pronouns, the soul screams. Rule 13: Never misgender dragons.”
(Pinned tweet, now embroidered on throw pillows at Hobby Lobby)@brettcooperUSA
“I’m headed there now with my Bible, lip gloss, and a tactical gender reveal cannon. Hang in there, Matt.”
🙏 Signs You Might Be a Victim of Pronoun Panic
You’ve said “There are only two genders” louder than you’ve said “I love you” this year.
You think “non-binary” is a type of communist Wi-Fi.
You yell “woke!” at inanimate objects like oat milk and rainbows.
You need to say "as a Christian" before every tweet, especially when it’s hateful.
You think gender is a pizza topping with only two options: pepperoni or regret.
You use the term “Alpha Male” but have a meltdown when someone compliments your shoes.
🧙♀️ EXORCISM RITE (LEAKED): Performed by Brett Cooper
Scene: A Bass Pro fitting room
“Spirit of confusion, we command thee: exit this bearded vessel and return to NPR! Leave, woke demons! Let masculinity be restored through the sacred ritual of yelling at baristas! May Duck Dynasty reruns anoint him in clarity!”
Walsh is expected to make a full recovery in time for his next podcast episode, tentatively titled:
“How a Rainbow Flag Almost Made Me Cry: The Matt Walsh Story.”
Sources say that despite the incident, Matt remains committed to redefining Christianity as a brand experience for people who hate others in the name of family values.
Walsh is expected to make a full recovery in time for his next podcast episode, tentatively titled “How a Rainbow Flag Almost Made Me Cry: The Matt Walsh Story.”
Sources say that despite the incident, Matt remains committed to redefining Christianity as a brand experience for people who hate others in the name of family values.
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If the prayer in the meme above stirs your spine or singes your patience with Christian nationalism, help it spread. Share the meme. Post it where flag-draped crosses still stand.
Let it be a liturgy of resistance. A scroll of defiance.
Because not all who follow Christ kneel to empire.
I suspect that one of the stages of advanced toxic masculinity is that to avoid the slightest suggestion of anything homosexual, their anuses have healed over, resulting in them being permanently full of crap.
The Hand of God has Rainbow Glitter Nailpolish on its fingernails.