MAGA Jesus Says: The Gospel According to Grievance
Where the Beatitudes wear camo, and mercy gets deported.
Somewhere between the Sermon on the Mount and the comments section of your uncle’s Facebook page, a new messiah was born—not in Bethlehem, but in a Bass Pro Shop clearance aisle. This savior doesn’t turn the other cheek; he open-carries it. He blesses the wealthy, walls off the poor, and thinks “Love your enemies” was a typo. Welcome to MAGA Jesus Says™—a series chronicling the hilariously heretical sayings of the flag-wrapped Christ cosplay that’s been making a mockery of everything the real Jesus actually stood for. Spoiler: he wasn’t pro-empire, pro-gun, or pro-tax loophole. But hey, theology is hard when you're busy monetizing the cross.
Oh yes. Let’s conjure the ghost of Galilee and drop him in a Bass Pro parking lot next to a lifted F-150 wrapped in American flags and Leviticus quotes. Welcome to MAGA Jesus Says™—a series where the Sermon on the Mount gets mugged by the Prosperity Gospel and left in a ditch with its sandals stolen.
Here’s the first batch of sayings, twisted for maximum contradiction, like Fox News with a crucifix:
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“Blessed are the loudmouths, for they shall dominate the comment section.”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” (Matthew 5:5)
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“If someone slaps you on the cheek, stand your ground and return fire.”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other also.” (Matthew 5:39)
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“Love your friends, hate your enemies, and buy more guns.”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“No handouts! The poor should bootstrap themselves like I did.”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “Give to everyone who begs from you, and do not refuse anyone who wants to borrow from you.” (Matthew 5:42)
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“Render unto Caesar all the taxes... unless you feel like whining about it on Facebook.”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's.” (Matthew 22:21)
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“By this all men will know you are my disciples—if you own a truck with my name in tactical font.”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35)
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“Do not let foreigners cross your border, for they might steal your blessings.”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “I was a stranger and you welcomed me.” (Matthew 25:35)
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“Let the little children come unto me… unless their parents are undocumented.”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matthew 19:14)
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“You cannot serve both God and government welfare.”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “You cannot serve both God and money.” (Matthew 6:24)
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“When you pray, do it loudly in public—preferably with a microphone and a fundraising link.”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “When you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen.” (Matthew 6:6)
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“Store up for yourself treasures in hedge funds and offshore accounts.”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth… but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven.” (Matthew 6:19-20)
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“Suffer not the poor to vote, lest they redistribute your inheritance.”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “Sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.” (Luke 12:33)
🔴 MAGA Jesus Says™
“My kingdom is of this world, and we’re taking it back this November!”
🕊️ Real Jesus: “My kingdom is not of this world.” (John 18:36)
💬 Got a MAGA Jesus Quote of Your Own?
Have you heard a wild sermon, seen a bumper sticker, or endured a Facebook rant that sounds suspiciously like it came from MAGA Jesus? Now’s your chance to canonize it. Drop your favorite cringey, contradictory, or just plain heretical “MAGA Jesus Says” quotes in the comments. Bonus points if it's something someone actually said with a straight face. I may just turn the best ones into memes, liturgy, or embroidered pillowcases.
Let’s build this satirical gospel together—one blasphemy at a time.
📸 The Holy Meme for Unholy Times
I’ve created a Virgin Monk Boy meme containing a subversive little prayer for overcoming the spiritual parasite known as Christian nationalism. It's equal parts exorcism and eye-roll. Download it. Share it. Print it and slip it into your church bulletin. Leave it in a Chick-fil-A bathroom. Post it in your aunt’s Facebook thread (but only if you’re feeling brave). This is your liturgy of liberation in JPEG form.
Go forth and spread the meme like modern incense. The spirit of cheeky resistance compels you.
Before you vanish back into the illusion—smash that LIKE or SHARE button like you're breaking open an alabaster jar. One small click, one bold act of remembrance.
And if this stirred something in your chest cavity (or your third eye), consider a paid subscription. Or a one time donation by It keeps the scrolls unrolling, the incense smoldering, and the Magdalene movement caffeinated. ☕️🔥
Real Jesus says, “Get thee behind me, MAGA Jesus!”
Haha, oh VMB, you do give me a much needed smile or even chuckle. Thank you for bringing the words of Jesus to us, to stand side by side with the degenerate versions. True story: in high school, this girl claimed that it was from the Bible, to do unto others before they do unto you.