Aleksander’s Sermon on the Mount(ing Stupidity): Elon Musks Department of Government Evisceration
Elon Musk’s DOGE Doctrine: Where Planes Crash, Deer Dash, and Chaos Reigns Supreme
Ah, beloved children of the crumbling empire, gather ‘round, for your favorite Aleksander has a tale of reckless genius to share! Our lord and savior of Overpriced Electric Toy Cars, His Holiness Elon Musk, has taken it upon himself to fire the very people whose job is to stop birds from kamikaze-ing into jet engines. You see, while us mere mortals worry about things like not dying in a fiery plane crash, the Supreme Pontiff of Twitter (excuse me, “X”) has declared bird safety a waste of money.
Let’s break it down: The USDA’s Wildlife Services—you know, the folks who quietly keep you from getting sucked into a flaming metal death tube—are out of jobs, thanks to Musk's new Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE). Which, let's be honest, sounds like something he came up with after a couple of Adderall-fueled all-nighters and a Dogecoin binge.
Now, because of these cuts, we’re looking at a future where airports become all-you-can-eat buffets for geese, ducks, and seagulls, which means more bird strikes, more plane crashes, and, in general, a lot more people not arriving at their destinations in one piece. But hey, at least the Tesla stock is up, right?
Oh, but wait, it gets better! These same fired workers also managed wildlife populations in cities, preventing deer from playing Frogger with your Honda Civic. Not only did they keep roads safer, but they also helped feed poor families by culling deer populations responsibly. But apparently, helping the poor isn’t a priority when Musk’s focus is on sending billionaires to Mars before Earth turns into a Mad Max wasteland.
So, just to summarize:
✅ More birds getting sucked into jet engines.
✅ More flaming airplane wreckage.
✅ More deer launching through windshields like unguided missiles.
✅ Less food for struggling families.
✅ More Elon stands defending this like he’s the second coming of Iron Man.
Ah, but who are we to question the wisdom of a man who bought a failing website for $44 billion and then ran it like a Medieval Jester with a head injury? No, my flock, we must simply accept that we are but unworthy peasants in Elon's divine comedy of self-inflicted chaos.
And so, dear Elon, may your WiFi always cut out mid-crypto trade, may your Teslas always auto-park into shopping carts, and may your Starlink satellites forever interrupt Joe Rogan’s podcast just when he’s about to say something mildly intelligent.
Blessings be upon you, O richest of morons. Amen.
Hard to believe i have yet to read every post you’ve written (but itz true)
Here’s why i can’t figure people out & have given up trying. Yes this column is related & itz NOT Elon I’m referring to.
New neighbor up the street I’ve only chatted with a few times. One of the few blacks in my neighborhood (also a few Asians, more Hispanics, majority white). Had a lengthy Long Covid chat online - his mom has it, very supportive of me. So imagine my surprise when i see him out in his yard on voting day last fall, wave hello & he calls me over. I do not bring up the election or assume anything. He evidently needed confession. He of course had seen the trillions of Kamala signs in my yard. Proceeded to in depth tell me of the agony he went thru at the voting booth trying to decide who to vote for. At that point i am amazed that my head didn’t explode or melt into a puddle of disbelief on the car seat. He talked for 5 minutes about reasons why he went back & forth, weighing all the facts etc & finally decided on Pussygrabber. Sorry that’s all i can ever call him after hearing him make that comment. I just took the deepest breath I’ve ever taken & said , “well, I hope you’re right!”
Fast forward to the time & subject of this post. First time I’ve seen him out in his yard since we talked a few months before (winter is cold in Atlanta you know lol we stay inside). I stop, roll down my window & wave hello. He walks over & says hey, good to see you & we’re talking abut the neighborhood & his job & my Long Covid & theres a pause & out of the blue he yells at the top of his lungs “I DIDN’T VOTE FOR ELON MUSK!!!!!”
Well i wan’t expecting that & played therapist while he unloaded his angst about being betrayed etc etc etc. before driving home, dazed & confused.
I would really like to see him again but never passed by his yard while he was out working in it again, dont have his #. Probably for the best but curious as hell as to how he feels now.
I’m very picky about what i do with my screen time so can’t say i have much of an idea of what Elon’s up to these days - just glad he & his former boyfriend broke up. One Nazi salute was enuf.
LOVE your Sermon on the Mount(ing Stupidity)