When a guru’s “ascension levels” turn out to be commission tiers, even the mystics start laughing. A spiritual satire about wisdom, gullibility, and Herbalife.
Beth Ann, the mango mystic meal replacement shake will haunt me in the best possible way. Somewhere out there a disciple is still trying to activate their third eye with powdered whey and positive vibes. And yes, the wrinkled bed sheet is always the final boss of spiritual entrepreneurship.
Your friends dodging that cinematic sin is a mercy to us all.
And you’re right about Magdalene. She’s not clapping for the pyramid schemes, she’s clapping for anyone who finally figures out that wisdom doesn’t need uplines, downlines, or auto shipments. It just needs a little honesty and a lot of heart.
Kaja, the greedy guru is the oldest character in the spiritual circus. They show up with a smile, a slogan, and a price tag the size of a mortgage payment. Half the time their “secret teachings” are just recycled Pinterest quotes with a quartz glued on top.
The funny part is the real teachers, the ones with actual depth, usually want nothing from you except that you stop outsourcing your soul to anybody with a trademark. The moment somebody starts invoicing enlightenment, that’s your sign to back away slowly and keep your wallet in its natural habitat.
There once was a band (there's always a band, isn't there?) in the UK named Be Bop Deluxe, who I became enamored with as a teenager in the late 70's. They had a song on their third studio album titled "Blazing Apostles" that was about this very thing. You can find it on YouTube, but the bridge went:
Salvation brings a badge to wear
On the glad rags of your soul
Just keep up with the payments
And we'll make your misery whole
We've got albums of redemption
And confessions on cassettes
All on easy hire
From the following address
All on easy hire
From the following address
It was one of my favorite songs from that period, and I think of it every time I encounter a story like this one.
I swear every generation gets seduced by a different prophet in a leather jacket. The Be Bop Deluxe boys just named the scam early. They saw the whole spiritual marketplace for what it was. Holy merch tables. Salvation bundled with bonus tracks. Misery remastered.
What they missed is the trick underneath the trick. The badge doesn’t come from salvation. It comes from the part of you that finally stops outsourcing your soul.
Every pyramid grift collapses when someone wakes up.
Blessings on your adolescent soundtrack. It knew the joke before we did.
Long ago I heard “the Message” and about Jesus for the first time. Words cannot express the hope that rose in my broken heart when they spoke of His love and the “free gift of salvation”. I accepted it with everything in me. However-in a very short time I was directed to the small print: “free” BUT, IF, and AND which included a list of “SHOULDS” as long as my lifetime. I didn’t think I could be anymore broken than I already was - I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Somewhere along the way I wrote a short poem: Religion: the great street sweeper that puts out more dirt than it ever picks up.
Years of experiences later I found my self far from home in a small town separated from my family, partner and friends. Not knowing anyone I searched for a church home to ease my loneliness and perhaps find new friends and a new life. I found a place that seemed friendly and inviting, where the worship and the messages were inspiring. I noticed in the bulletin that there were many groups and classes being offered. I found a leader to see how I could sign up. It was thoroughly and firmly explained to me, in no uncertain terms, that those gatherings were only for those who agreed to take a weeks long study, become a member and agree to attend weekly AND pay a faithful tithe. Sadly the tithe part was emphasized strongly. I didn’t say a word. I just walked away. It felt like the story of the rich young ruler in reverse . . . they were certain they had the “truth” and the best program in town yet they never even asked me my name.
As I walked away alone and still lonely, it dawned on me that I was far “richer” than I’d realized.
Love and truth can neither be bought or sold. Jesus taught me that. And being alone wasn’t so lonely after all. When people come selling that program now days, I just kindly say no thanks. 🙂↔️
What you shared hits hard because it is the story so many of us lived through. They talk about a free gift, then immediately hand you the fine print. Classes, membership, attendance, tithes, and a checklist of “shoulds.” At that point it stops feeling like spiritual life and starts feeling like a subscription service with hymns.
The detail that says everything is the part where no one even asked your name. Any place that cannot greet a lonely soul with simple human warmth is already too small for the truth it claims to carry.
What stayed with me is how you walked out with more clarity than you walked in. You saw that love and truth cannot be bought, sold, or gated behind requirements. You kept your dignity, your heart, and your freedom. That is worth more than any program they tried to enroll you in.
You were never the one lacking. You were the one seeing.
All the things I ever wanted - a quartz that hums at the frequency of forgotten realms……💎
A vibrational activator!🧿
A mango mystic meal replacement shake 🥤👅 yum
And then projected on a wrinkled bed sheet 📽️🧺 😆
Ironically, two of my best friends sold Herbalife decades ago. Fortunately no wrinkled bed sheet was involved.
Your Blessings ring clearly & truthfully true
I believe Magdalene is still softly clapping 👏
Beth Ann, the mango mystic meal replacement shake will haunt me in the best possible way. Somewhere out there a disciple is still trying to activate their third eye with powdered whey and positive vibes. And yes, the wrinkled bed sheet is always the final boss of spiritual entrepreneurship.
Your friends dodging that cinematic sin is a mercy to us all.
And you’re right about Magdalene. She’s not clapping for the pyramid schemes, she’s clapping for anyone who finally figures out that wisdom doesn’t need uplines, downlines, or auto shipments. It just needs a little honesty and a lot of heart.
Beware of greedy gurus!🪬
Kaja, the greedy guru is the oldest character in the spiritual circus. They show up with a smile, a slogan, and a price tag the size of a mortgage payment. Half the time their “secret teachings” are just recycled Pinterest quotes with a quartz glued on top.
The funny part is the real teachers, the ones with actual depth, usually want nothing from you except that you stop outsourcing your soul to anybody with a trademark. The moment somebody starts invoicing enlightenment, that’s your sign to back away slowly and keep your wallet in its natural habitat.
There once was a band (there's always a band, isn't there?) in the UK named Be Bop Deluxe, who I became enamored with as a teenager in the late 70's. They had a song on their third studio album titled "Blazing Apostles" that was about this very thing. You can find it on YouTube, but the bridge went:
Salvation brings a badge to wear
On the glad rags of your soul
Just keep up with the payments
And we'll make your misery whole
We've got albums of redemption
And confessions on cassettes
All on easy hire
From the following address
All on easy hire
From the following address
It was one of my favorite songs from that period, and I think of it every time I encounter a story like this one.
I swear every generation gets seduced by a different prophet in a leather jacket. The Be Bop Deluxe boys just named the scam early. They saw the whole spiritual marketplace for what it was. Holy merch tables. Salvation bundled with bonus tracks. Misery remastered.
What they missed is the trick underneath the trick. The badge doesn’t come from salvation. It comes from the part of you that finally stops outsourcing your soul.
Every pyramid grift collapses when someone wakes up.
Blessings on your adolescent soundtrack. It knew the joke before we did.
Long ago I heard “the Message” and about Jesus for the first time. Words cannot express the hope that rose in my broken heart when they spoke of His love and the “free gift of salvation”. I accepted it with everything in me. However-in a very short time I was directed to the small print: “free” BUT, IF, and AND which included a list of “SHOULDS” as long as my lifetime. I didn’t think I could be anymore broken than I already was - I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Somewhere along the way I wrote a short poem: Religion: the great street sweeper that puts out more dirt than it ever picks up.
Years of experiences later I found my self far from home in a small town separated from my family, partner and friends. Not knowing anyone I searched for a church home to ease my loneliness and perhaps find new friends and a new life. I found a place that seemed friendly and inviting, where the worship and the messages were inspiring. I noticed in the bulletin that there were many groups and classes being offered. I found a leader to see how I could sign up. It was thoroughly and firmly explained to me, in no uncertain terms, that those gatherings were only for those who agreed to take a weeks long study, become a member and agree to attend weekly AND pay a faithful tithe. Sadly the tithe part was emphasized strongly. I didn’t say a word. I just walked away. It felt like the story of the rich young ruler in reverse . . . they were certain they had the “truth” and the best program in town yet they never even asked me my name.
As I walked away alone and still lonely, it dawned on me that I was far “richer” than I’d realized.
Love and truth can neither be bought or sold. Jesus taught me that. And being alone wasn’t so lonely after all. When people come selling that program now days, I just kindly say no thanks. 🙂↔️
What you shared hits hard because it is the story so many of us lived through. They talk about a free gift, then immediately hand you the fine print. Classes, membership, attendance, tithes, and a checklist of “shoulds.” At that point it stops feeling like spiritual life and starts feeling like a subscription service with hymns.
The detail that says everything is the part where no one even asked your name. Any place that cannot greet a lonely soul with simple human warmth is already too small for the truth it claims to carry.
What stayed with me is how you walked out with more clarity than you walked in. You saw that love and truth cannot be bought, sold, or gated behind requirements. You kept your dignity, your heart, and your freedom. That is worth more than any program they tried to enroll you in.
You were never the one lacking. You were the one seeing.