The Apostles’ Influencer Retreat

When the Sermon on the Mount Becomes a Webinar on Monetization

So apparently the disciples all went to Galilee for what can only be described as Coachella for people who still think sandals are shoes.

Turns out, nothing spreads the good news faster than hashtags and overpriced coaching packages. Because why just follow Christ when you can monetize Him?

Peter: Rock Solid Coaching™
Peter has rebranded from “the guy who denied Jesus three times” to “your personal empowerment guru.” His program is called Rock Solid Coaching™. Because if there’s one thing Peter knows, it’s denial—and how to turn that into a six-figure funnel.

Picture his Instagram: shirtless selfies, inspirational quotes like “Stop being a pebble. Be the rock. DM me for coaching.” Honestly, the only miracle here is that anyone’s paying $997 for it.

Paul: Letters to the Lost (Podcast)
Paul invented podcasting before microphones were even a thing, so of course now he’s back with Letters to the Lost.

Each week he drops takes like:

• “Faith vs. Works: Which Gets More Clicks?”

• “Boundaries in Christ: Why I Blocked Barnabas.”

• “Damascus Road or Just a Midlife Crisis?”

Sponsored by Squarespace, MeUndies, and—because he still makes tents—Paul’s very own MLM.

Mary Magdalene: Shadowbanned for Excessive Resurrection
Mary Magdalene was crushing it with her resurrection reels. Millions of views. #AliveAndUnbothered trending worldwide. Then Instagram flagged her for “excessive resurrection content.”

Oh sure. Shirtless Peter flexing? Fine. But Magdalene saying “Jesus lives” one too many times? Banned. Which, fun fact, is also how church history treated her.

Thomas: The OG Internet Troll
Thomas doesn’t post, he just comments:
“Pics or it didn’t happen.”
Jesus goes live? Thomas: “Show me the hands, bro. Zoom in.”
Basically, he’s that guy under every UFO video saying “Fake.”

John: The Aesthetic Apostle
John has turned the gospel into a lifestyle brand. His Instagram is just sunsets, filtered beach pics, captions like “In the beginning was the Vibe.”

Bio: “The one Jesus loved. Collabs open.”
Translation: He’s that guy who thinks “influencer” is a job.

Judas: The Brand Deal Gone Wrong
Ah yes, Judas. Did one collab with the Sanhedrin, took thirty silver, and suddenly his affiliate code doesn’t work anymore. He’s now stuck posting bitter Threads like:
“Crazy how people use you for clout then ghost you.”

Retreat Schedule

• 7 AM: Sunrise Yoga with John (playlist: “Lo-Fi Upper Room Beats”)

• 9 AM: Branding Workshop with Peter (From Denial to Divine Niche Domination)

• 11 AM: Breakout Session—Monetizing Martyrdom

• Lunch: Sponsored by HelloFresh (Fish & Bread Box™)

• 2 PM: Paul Live Podcast Recording (Audience Q&A: How Many Letters Is Too Many?)

• 5 PM: Magdalene TikTok Tutorial (How to Rise Again in the Algorithm)

• 7 PM: Networking Mixer (No Pharisees allowed)

And the whole thing ends with a collaborative reel: everyone lip-syncing to Jesus saying, “Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the feed.”

So there you have it. The apostles: spreading the Word one spon-con at a time. Blessed be the algorithm.

---

If this post shook something loose, poured some wine in your cracked chalice, or made your inner heretic cheer—hit the share button, toss a coin to your scribal witch, or subscribe for more scrolls from the margins.