Discussion about this post

User's avatar
Beth Ann Kepple's avatar

When did suffering teach me something that changed my life?

6 year relationship with boyfriend slowly falling apart. Not living together & when someone tried to break into my house & fucked the window up, I called my bf whom I hadn’t seen in 2 weeks (WARNING WARNING FIRST TIME THAT’S EVER HAPPENED) left a message. When he called back i was running errands but answered the phone while driving (LAWBREAKER). & asked how he was doing (had lots of job, child support issues going on) if he could come over & see if he could fix it when he had time.

His response after a long pause was “No I can’t. I quit my job & moved to Houston.”

I overreacted & pulled over to the side of the road almost ending up in a ditch with car damage. For a few minutes i sat silent trying to breathe & absorb & decipher what I’d just heard.

Finally i found words. “So basically you just ended our relationship.”

Long pause. “Without telling me”

Another long pause. He stammered a gibberish defensive answer full of penitence & justifications. I repeated, “You left without telling me.”

He sighed & another long pause later said, “yes, it’s a bad habit of mine.”

Props for finally being honest but….

It was over for me at that point. I’d seen it coming but lived in denial, just like my marriage & the relationship i had after that. My head, heart & soul were all in agreement on this one for one of the few times ever.

And for once i faced reality without making up excuses defending him & said, “it hurts me more now that you just left & didn’t have the balls to tell me than if you had told me to my face before leaving.” Silence. I needed to get out of this conversation.

“I gotta go.”

What did suffering the loss of that relationship teach me? (And all the suffering during it & previous romantic partners as well)

To face reality and see people as they really are, not as i want them to be.

To BE ME & not be what I think they want me to be so they don’t leave

To let go of my “Romeo & Juliet” fantasy imago of love (remind myself they both died committing suicide, no happy ending there)

And let go of expecting another person to do for me what i need to do for myself.

I never saw the movie Jerry McGuire but i know Tom Cruise says to his love “You complete me”.

I’ve believe in that & wanted that my whole life.

Now i believe that’s asking way to much of another person.

And that with some spiritual guidance, maybe I can reach the point where I can honestly say “I complete me”. Or “God/Spirit/the DIvine/the Universe completes me”.

Or simply “I am complete”

Or even “I’m not complete & thats okay.

That’s what I’m exploring now.

Expand full comment
Angela's avatar

I am getting comfortable with the welcome I feel in your substack. I really appreciate your personhood.

About 4 years ago I was departing mutually from a 10-year relationship and witnessing a lot of illusions come into sharp relief as well as being very painfully accosted by a heart I had separated into pieces and shelved in as many boxes, as the pieces began to crash back into each other.

I was maybe a couple of weeks out of the house we’d bought together, renting a room in a very large house located in an unfamiliar neighborhood. I was sitting in my truck at a traffic light near my new residence and it came over me so fully. I am now one of countless millions. This is happening to more people than I can imagine, right now. Has happened to humans forever. I was looking into the vehicles around me and my eyes welled. Something expanded beyond my sense of expansion, and I was in that something, of that something, just like everyone else. Every sacred one of ‘em.

This separation was far from the most painful of path shifting experiences I’d had. But I suppose all that preceded it, birthed it.

I felt so subsumed by compassion.

I don’t know what else to say.

Expand full comment
4 more comments...

No posts