Shave and a Heresy: The GOCA Grooming Gospel
Exposing the Beard-Based Theology of American Orthodorks
📺 BeardTube Theology in Action
So I watched a few videos from the Genuine Orthodox Church of America—you know, the guys who think salvation comes with a Julian calendar and a follicle count. And let me tell you, I haven’t seen this much untrimmed testosterone since the last Duck Dynasty convention.
One of their bishops—who looks like a Gregorian chant came to life and grew a resentment beard—goes on a beard-fueled rant about the Pope. His theological mic drop?
“He shaves his face so that it is smooth like a woman's.”
That’s it. Not "blessed are the merciful." Not "pray for those who curse you," or "turn the other cheek," or "love your enemies." Nope.
Baby-smooth cheeks = heresy.
Apparently, what separates the saved from the damned is whether or not you exfoliate. Which explains why they call themselves Genuine—they genuinely believe Gillette is demonic.
And don’t get me started on their Old Calendar obsession. Jesus rose from the dead to defeat sin and death, but sure, let’s split the Church over which day you buy your Pascha lamb. We’re one Julian date away from turning the Body of Christ into a Facebook event nobody agrees on.
The GOCA boys align themselves with the Russian Orthodox Church, which lately functions more like Putin’s Department of Religious Affairs than anything resembling the Sermon on the Mount. “Thou shalt not kill… unless it’s for the motherland.”
And let’s be real: every time someone says “we’re the only true Church” with that smug twinkle in their eye, an angel loses their wings and considers converting to Zen Buddhism.
😱 Heresy Patrol Goes Meme-Hunting
But wait—there’s more.
When they saw the Virgin Monk Boy meme card that simply said "Pray to Overcome Christian Nationalism," GOCA’s spiritual radar short-circuited. Their first question? “Are you an atheist?” Because, apparently, caring about fascism makes you a godless heathen now.
Then they found my article on the Gospel of Philip, and predictably, their beard-ruffling went from passive-aggressive to full fire-and-brimstone. They declared:
"The Gospel of Philip is a non-canonical book, and it seems it is a 2nd or 3rd-century composition by the Gnostics. You should not read that book. You should only read the books that are approved by the Orthodox Church. That book is without a doubt inspired by the devil."
Inspired by the devil? Really? This from the guys who think the Holy Spirit is allergic to smooth skin. If they saw the Gospel of Mary, they’d probably try to exorcise my Substack.
🚿 Time for a Clean Shave and a Clean Conscience
So to the Genuine Orthodox Church of America:
🧔♂️ You’re not the only true Church.
📆 Your calendar isn’t sacred—just outdated.
🪒 And your beard isn’t theology, it’s just unlicensed barbershop trauma.
If Christ is Love, y’all are stuck in a theology of split ends.
🙏 The Gospel According to Dmitri
Meanwhile, real saints like Archbishop Dmitri—a man so chill he stayed incorrupt—didn’t play by the gatekeeping rulebook. When some Russian Orthodox clergy insisted that only Orthodox names be included on the commemoration list for the departed during the Eucharist, his response?
“I pray for all of them, because I love them.”
That’s what the kingdom actually looks like: love without borders. Not beard quotas and ecclesiastical cosplay.
May you one day grow the beard of compassion, and shave off the pride.
🧘♂️ Meditation for the Overly Groomed
Sit comfortably. Close your eyes. Breathe in the scent of myrrh, sandalwood, and unresolved patriarchal trauma. As you inhale, whisper: “Lord, have mercy on my superiority complex.” As you exhale, mutter: “And on all who shave, wax, or exfoliate.”
Visualize your inner pharisee getting a surprise buzz cut from the Holy Spirit. Repeat until your theology is softer than a Pope’s cheek.
💅 Dedication
This roast is dedicated to the brave souls who dared read apocryphal texts with an open heart… and to everyone who’s ever been told their salvation was invalid due to facial hair, calendar preference, or spiritual curiosity.
May your razors stay sharp, Your minds sharper, And your memes eternally heretical.
Before you vanish back into the illusion—smash that LIKE or SHARE button like you're breaking open an alabaster jar. One small click, one bold act of remembrance.
And if this stirred something in your chest cavity (or your third eye), consider a paid subscription. Alternatively, a one-time donation will help me continue the hard work behind these creative efforts; “Buy me a coffee” here or by clicking the button below. And don’t forget to like and share; Please take a few moments to show you care. Thank you!
If the prayer in the meme above stirs your spine or singes your patience with Christian nationalism, help it spread. Share the meme. Post it where flag-draped crosses still stand.
Let it be a liturgy of resistance. A scroll of defiance.
Because not all who follow Christ kneel to empire.
🙏 May Love (God who Jesus came to reveal as exactly that, Love) bless you beyond your wildest dreams. And I like to share a saying I like from the movie Cool Runnings “peace be the journey”🙏😌
Jesus said “I tell you, if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out," which means that even if humans remain silent about him, the natural world will praise him.
I believe some of us have been called to be one of those “rocks”. The Spirit has filled us and changed us in ways that makes it impossible to do anything else.
Love is the true message and Love is all there is for those, like Magdalene, who truly follow Him/Her/Them. 🤷♀️
I can’t really even say “God” anymore because the religious insanity (in my opinion) that’s surrounding us makes me want to assure others that the Being they worship is not MY God. I can’t even understand what the hell they think they’re doing. 🤷♀️
I left a church/denomination/cult 20 years ago. A place where it is taught eating meat or dairy foods will mean you can’t be translated. Where your spirituality is measured by whether or not you wear jewelry, make up, clothes that show your shoulders, color your hair etc etc etc. Where if you sin by going to a movie you need to be very afraid because you leave your guardian angel at the door. Where you must never ever say you are saved because any wrong move could erase it. Where you are afraid to go to sleep at night because one unconfessed sin will keep you out of heaven. Where you must keep Sabbath perfectly which is impossible to achieve because everyone argues about what that would even look like. Where male molesting of females is hidden and kept secret because the institution must be protected at all cost. And the women who try to speak out are told to sit down and shut up. Yet if you get caught drinking or smoking you will be disfellowshipped toot sweet. Where the claim is made that they “hate the sin but love the sinner” which is one of their biggest lies. It goes on and on and on. Oh, and yes, they are the one and only right church because they supposedly have the “truth”.
My spouse and I reached the point that we had to walk away. Spirit reminded us that “when your cup is full you’re supposed to say when!” We did try other churches but just like that place, my biggest sin was showing up with my uterus (yes, I said it) and all the body parts that accompany it. Magdalene really gets that. 🙏
The best thing we ever did spiritually was walk away from all that insanity that put “millstones” around the Creator’s children’s necks - exactly what Jesus told them NOT to do.
We returned to our simple and honest relationship with Love, Jesus and Spirit. We embraced the true church outside the buildings -the living breathing organism that no walls can contain and no patriarchal, dishonest, greedy, agenda ridden, moral pretenders can control.
We now are FREE to fellowship with and follow the Spirit Who lives in our hearts as there is no longer a temple. Jesus said it! not me. We are free to listen to and follow Spirit who enables us to love our neighbor as ourselves and love Love with all our hearts, minds and souls! We walk in peaceful certainty of our eternal future. And revel in Love’s constant Presence. We will never go back to that deceitful bondage that does all those things to and dare to call it all “God’s” requirements and obedience to His will.
So I think I get you my friend. And why I find so much joy and encouragement in your gentle truth filled words. 🙏 And bless your “bare” face for the word picture it paints of how walking with and in Love we are unafraid to be open, honest and authentic with others. 🙏 I thank you for your “obedience” which actually means “to come into agreement with Love (God)”
Happy Thursday. 😌🙏♥️
It seems dangerous to promote hellfire and brimstone right and left while sporting a thick beard. Sparks might catch and oops! Blazes happen.