Pete Hegseth Accidentally Plays God of War, Grounds Ukraine Aid, Charges $2.2M for the Sequel

A modern parable of cosplay patriotism and accidental international sabotage

In a stunning display of cosplay governance, newly anointed Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth—a man best known for throwing axes on Fox & Friends—decided to cancel 11 military flights carrying artillery to Ukraine, apparently because he mistook his personal vibes for military intelligence.

The Sacred Text (as revealed by Reuters):
Without telling the Pentagon.
Without informing the State Department.
Without texting the White House.
And certainly without checking in with Ukraine, the country he was allegedly helping.

That’s right. Pete grounded 11 flights mid-mission, as if he were a toddler with a toy aircraft carrier and a grudge. The result? A week-long international freak-out, panicked diplomats, and a sudden $2.2 million price tag tacked on to reroute the blessed booms.

When asked why he did it, sources say Hegseth simply felt the energy was “off” and that maybe Ukraine needed “a little test of faith.” Which makes sense, given how U.S. foreign policy is now apparently guided by horoscopes, vibes, and Pete’s gut.

The White House, upon discovering this unholy pause, reportedly experienced collective ego death and had to reboot the National Security Council using the Konami Code.

Meanwhile, Ukraine—who was waiting at the geopolitical equivalent of curbside pickup—was left texting “???” until the weapons finally arrived late, stressed, and $2.2 million more expensive. Because nothing says “allies” like a surprise surcharge during a war.

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This week’s koan:
“If a war shipment is grounded in silence, and nobody authorized it, was it ever really democracy?”

Blessings from the Monastery of WTF,
Virgin Monk Boy