A contemplative look at Mary Magdalene and the teaching of The Cloud of Unknowing: why constant self-examination strengthens the ego and love dissolves it.
I was “born and raised in the briar patch” of guilt and shame. As a young adult I sought religion as a remedy for that immense burden and from a desire for a loving family.
The end result was my shame and guilt increased ten fold? a hundred fold? As for a loving family . . . judgment, pigeon-holing, gossip, using people’s energy and talents until they we’re depleted and dropping them like a hot potato, immense amounts of sexual misconduct (I can’t even . . .) and in the midst of all this dysfunctional insanity, yes, the teaching of self examination was prominent - “one unconfessed sin could keep you out of heaven” . . . it all nearly destroyed us.
My mental health was shaky before I ever entered the church world . . . exiting it and getting counseling, was the best thing I ever did for myself.
So my spouse and I were “remembering” a few of these things yesterday. We talked about one of the most troubling and confusing things in that whole experience - although the whole goal of the religious life was supposedly to stop sinning, overcome one’s evil propensities, stop being bad and become truly good in order to be perfect (and worthy of salvation) and above all selfless. Selfless. Our conversation was about remembering when we realized that all of that stuff seemed to turn people into the most self-centered people we knew. Just the opposite of the “holy” goal. It was all so puzzling and has taken a long time to cleanse our brains and spirits of the self-examination practice that seemed to be at the root of all that torment.
We’ve wondered WHY though. Your words this today help so much. The ego . . . something for us to talk about and contemplate. 🤔 Another aha moment 😌
This morning, before reading this, I had awakened from a long, restful and peace filled sleep and realized how quiet things seemed. The quiet I realized was in my brain! Deeply in me! I suddenly had a bit of panic because, mainly I don’t feel guilty anymore-as in how one feels when constantly examining the self. I’m not sure we can ever stop completely (or should? as in admitting we might be wrong now and then🤣) But recently I think I have been experiencing some real freedom from the . . . addiction really, of constantly thinking about my SELF all the time - worrying about how I’m doing in the good behavior department and making notes.
Even admitting THIS to myself made me a little uneasy wondering if I said this out loud, I would sound like I’m bragging about how well I’m doing spiritually 🤣
And then I saw you’d done some more sharing VMB and read your article . . . and feel comforted and reassured that it’s ok to keep letting go of all that old religious stuff and just continue to enjoy the “quiet” in my head and appreciate realizing that yearning after Love is NOT the same thing.
More deep breaths of relief 😊😌 🙏 Thank you friend.
“Blessed Be”! (I think that’s VMB’s saying.) Your sharing here is heartwarming. It’s so potentially destructive when we let Others define the “Holy” texts for us. I was less Guilt Tripped and more Convinced of my own Unworthiness of family Affection, Time, Expenditures, etcetera. No amount of good behavior, hours of chores, school honor lists, etcetera; could Fill that Gap. To my Great Distress I remained convinced of my Unworthiness for decades, to often Devastating Effect.
This description of perfect humility is the best I have ever come across. Moving toward love...not controlling it. Beautiful. Thank you for your words.
Well put. I got to a place once where I was like "why bother I will never succeed to comply with all the stuff". But to change the focus to being more loving is liberating on many levels.
I love the way you articulated this. It reminded me of focussing on the problem digs you deeper into it. You can’t change a problem with the same energy that created it? Einstein
It didn’t take more than the first 2 paragraphs (which ain’t long) to just stop reading & realize mind blown & is being read by someone to write this. (Ego, much?) Holy shit, story of my life - guilt, guilt, guilt which, while perhaps an honest reaction at times, never seemed to teach me anything. Self-flagellation usually gets old quickly but for some reason it is one of the things i have clung to so tenaciously without even knowing it until another friend points it out. All of my friends have at some point all my life.
Itz a bit embarrassing (ego again) after as many decades of life as i have lived for me to finally connect the dots & thank this beautiful piece of work to simplify it enuf for me to have one of those huge AHA! moments right outta the gate.
And to have the rest of it so simply, truthfully & poignantly describe & explain another way.
Magdalene has taught/is teaching me so much by example & your teachings about her remind me of my first experiences in AA - so many things I was blind to about my behavior & the way i lived my life. Doing those 12 steps was a humbling take-a-deep-deep-look-at-yo’self, change it up, trust a Higher Power & never stop.
Feels like new sobriety all over again. What a gift 🙂↕️🫶🪷
At a certain point, if we don’t move past imperfect humility, we get in a trap where we are trying to heal the psyche through the same level of consciousness that created
the problem in the first place. It’s so important to know when we’ve reached the point where we have to let go of the analysis, forgive ourselves, forgive others and rest in the unconditional Love that is they are for us all.
Years ago, I was frantically seeking spiritual guidance… retreats, sweat lodges, psychotherapy…a therapist friend of mine asked me, “When are you going to stop
Obsessing with yourself and start living? Go walk the dog!”
Doing. Especially doing for others helps me break the cycle of self obsession and often, be surprised by Joy.
Just a leftover foot note from the research file I was using to remind me which part of my notes I was working with. It wasn’t meant to appear in the article.
Ahhh🙏 this answers a question or two . . .
I was “born and raised in the briar patch” of guilt and shame. As a young adult I sought religion as a remedy for that immense burden and from a desire for a loving family.
The end result was my shame and guilt increased ten fold? a hundred fold? As for a loving family . . . judgment, pigeon-holing, gossip, using people’s energy and talents until they we’re depleted and dropping them like a hot potato, immense amounts of sexual misconduct (I can’t even . . .) and in the midst of all this dysfunctional insanity, yes, the teaching of self examination was prominent - “one unconfessed sin could keep you out of heaven” . . . it all nearly destroyed us.
My mental health was shaky before I ever entered the church world . . . exiting it and getting counseling, was the best thing I ever did for myself.
So my spouse and I were “remembering” a few of these things yesterday. We talked about one of the most troubling and confusing things in that whole experience - although the whole goal of the religious life was supposedly to stop sinning, overcome one’s evil propensities, stop being bad and become truly good in order to be perfect (and worthy of salvation) and above all selfless. Selfless. Our conversation was about remembering when we realized that all of that stuff seemed to turn people into the most self-centered people we knew. Just the opposite of the “holy” goal. It was all so puzzling and has taken a long time to cleanse our brains and spirits of the self-examination practice that seemed to be at the root of all that torment.
We’ve wondered WHY though. Your words this today help so much. The ego . . . something for us to talk about and contemplate. 🤔 Another aha moment 😌
This morning, before reading this, I had awakened from a long, restful and peace filled sleep and realized how quiet things seemed. The quiet I realized was in my brain! Deeply in me! I suddenly had a bit of panic because, mainly I don’t feel guilty anymore-as in how one feels when constantly examining the self. I’m not sure we can ever stop completely (or should? as in admitting we might be wrong now and then🤣) But recently I think I have been experiencing some real freedom from the . . . addiction really, of constantly thinking about my SELF all the time - worrying about how I’m doing in the good behavior department and making notes.
Even admitting THIS to myself made me a little uneasy wondering if I said this out loud, I would sound like I’m bragging about how well I’m doing spiritually 🤣
And then I saw you’d done some more sharing VMB and read your article . . . and feel comforted and reassured that it’s ok to keep letting go of all that old religious stuff and just continue to enjoy the “quiet” in my head and appreciate realizing that yearning after Love is NOT the same thing.
More deep breaths of relief 😊😌 🙏 Thank you friend.
“Blessed Be”! (I think that’s VMB’s saying.) Your sharing here is heartwarming. It’s so potentially destructive when we let Others define the “Holy” texts for us. I was less Guilt Tripped and more Convinced of my own Unworthiness of family Affection, Time, Expenditures, etcetera. No amount of good behavior, hours of chores, school honor lists, etcetera; could Fill that Gap. To my Great Distress I remained convinced of my Unworthiness for decades, to often Devastating Effect.
It’s a Blessing you have Each Other.
~ Salutations ~
This description of perfect humility is the best I have ever come across. Moving toward love...not controlling it. Beautiful. Thank you for your words.
Well put. I got to a place once where I was like "why bother I will never succeed to comply with all the stuff". But to change the focus to being more loving is liberating on many levels.
Beautifully put. And thanks for introducing me to a new word - scrupulosity 💗
I love the way you articulated this. It reminded me of focussing on the problem digs you deeper into it. You can’t change a problem with the same energy that created it? Einstein
It didn’t take more than the first 2 paragraphs (which ain’t long) to just stop reading & realize mind blown & is being read by someone to write this. (Ego, much?) Holy shit, story of my life - guilt, guilt, guilt which, while perhaps an honest reaction at times, never seemed to teach me anything. Self-flagellation usually gets old quickly but for some reason it is one of the things i have clung to so tenaciously without even knowing it until another friend points it out. All of my friends have at some point all my life.
Itz a bit embarrassing (ego again) after as many decades of life as i have lived for me to finally connect the dots & thank this beautiful piece of work to simplify it enuf for me to have one of those huge AHA! moments right outta the gate.
And to have the rest of it so simply, truthfully & poignantly describe & explain another way.
Magdalene has taught/is teaching me so much by example & your teachings about her remind me of my first experiences in AA - so many things I was blind to about my behavior & the way i lived my life. Doing those 12 steps was a humbling take-a-deep-deep-look-at-yo’self, change it up, trust a Higher Power & never stop.
Feels like new sobriety all over again. What a gift 🙂↕️🫶🪷
At a certain point, if we don’t move past imperfect humility, we get in a trap where we are trying to heal the psyche through the same level of consciousness that created
the problem in the first place. It’s so important to know when we’ve reached the point where we have to let go of the analysis, forgive ourselves, forgive others and rest in the unconditional Love that is they are for us all.
Freedom from self is the greatest freedom!
Years ago, I was frantically seeking spiritual guidance… retreats, sweat lodges, psychotherapy…a therapist friend of mine asked me, “When are you going to stop
Obsessing with yourself and start living? Go walk the dog!”
Doing. Especially doing for others helps me break the cycle of self obsession and often, be surprised by Joy.
Very wise!
What’s with the “Disk 4 All Text”? It seems to be a mantra or perhaps a Selah.
Just a leftover foot note from the research file I was using to remind me which part of my notes I was working with. It wasn’t meant to appear in the article.